Ashcan Rantings

2009-03-09T17:37:00.003-05:00

So Friday was my birthday. I overdrank and felt like crap Sat., Sun. my dad and his girlfriend came up and took my brother and me to Ecopolitan (my favorite -- raw vegan! -- and I'm so glad they were at least willing to try it). That was healthy. But I've been working a lot lately, which means not so healthy. And it also means really tired from overnights, days, overnights, drinking, etc. SO, today I am low on stuff but also low on energy and don't feel like grocery shopping (hm, couldn't help matters that I had Girlscout cookies for breakfast). I decided to make some pasta with what I have on hand.

I don't anticipate it being very delicious, but I tried. I sauteed some garlic and onion with olive oil and a little balsamic (going for sort of carmelized-like), but I got distracted and overcooked them a bit. Oh well. Added tomato sauce from a can that's been sitting around forever (actually, it's past its due date, I'm living on the edge here), did NOT take the salt already in there into consideration when I added MORE SALT (that's why it might not be good), also added a little sugar, fennel, oregano, sage, hot pepper flakes, some vodka (this is weird, but I figured, Newman's Own Vodka Sauce is really the only jar sauce I like...) more un-sauteed onion (needed more and I like the texture) and some of that pre-roasted garlic from a jar I still need to use up.

Too much salt! Otherwise I guess it's OK so far, in small tastes. It's simmering now. I have a bunch of pastas and decided on whole wheat angel hair.

We'll see...

Oh, and speaking of all that salt, I think I'm becoming sensitized to salt. I'm usually not one to say that -- frankly, I like salt. But since I've been making so much myself, I find stuff too salty a lot now. I got trail mix and almonds during one of my jobs (attempting to be sort of healthy) and they were totally-ass salted. I usually get raw almonds and didn't even realize some trail mix has salt, I guess. Ah well, it's a sign of good things, at least. I added more sugar and spice to my sauce to try to cut the saltiness, so maybe that'll help. Or maybe it'll be an overload of salty-sweet-hotness!

2009-02-24T18:25:00.004-06:00

Stir fry! Roasted tofu with sauce that I made last week (about time I ate it!), green beans and bean sprouts. I think I even got the cooking technique down so everything is done right (though it might be faster another way). Pretty good, and much better than I always recall stir fry being when using frozen veggies and pre-made sauce :P I don't have the sauce recipe on me, but it involved garlic, ginger, orange juice, chili powder (or cayenne, can't remember), green onions... Marinated the tofu in it for a few hours, then baked. I don't really like overly squishy tofu, so for the stir-fry, I fried it up first with just sesame oil (reserved the sauce), then steamed the green beans by themselves with a little water, soy sauce, rice wine and roasted garlic from a jar (still gotta use all that old stuff up). Then I added the tofu back in, poured over the tofu's roasting sauce, and added the bean sprouts. Oh, and added a little more soy sauce, garlic and a little sriracha for good measure. It's fun to invent and have it WORK. Helps that the basis, the tofu sauce, was a recipe. Now I have a starting point.

Also, this is relatively easy to eat with chop sticks. I have my good days and bad days with them...

However, I have been spending too much on groceries. Not very much on anything else, but still. So we'll see how long I can keep this all up... I certainly can eat cheaper, if healthiness is less of an issue. Sad state of affairs. Can't wait until summer & the farmers market!

2009-02-20T13:32:00.003-06:00

Borscht! Not much to say besides the pic, except it wasn't too hard to make, and people need to give beets a chance. Deliciousness! And very pretty. I should have a soup party and make my yellow squashes soup, my green curry spinach soup and my red/fuscia beet soup. So pretty, and so yummy. My favorite would still have to be the green (not just cauze of the color), but they're all soooo gooooood.

I think I am going to try split pea next. More green!

And in parting, I just want to implore you once more:

All we are saying

Is give beets a chance

2009-02-20T10:31:00.002-06:00

I think Ashcan Rantings is kind of a weird name for a food-based blog (as this has become). So I'm thinking of switching over to a new one for the food stuff. Then I can continue to embarrass myself with my ashcan rantings separate (no, I don't plan to do that anymore, and I deleted a lot of old stuff. Just not worth commemorating like that...)

Crap, I gotta make my coffee! My head is a millllion miles away.

Oh, and my point is this: I want to bring some of these entries over to the new one, but gotta figure out how. I suppose I just copy and paste, but that seems so oldschool....

2009-02-19T19:08:00.002-06:00

Here is a dessert I just invented. I can't give a real recipe, because I don't measure anything. I think I'm going to call it a yogurt cocoa banana split, or maybe something more catchy.

You put some lowfat plain yogurt in a bowl. You cut up 1/2 a banana. You dump some unsweetened baking cocoa on it. You put some honey in there. THEN, my secret ingredient, you sprinkle on just a sprinkling of cayenne pepper. You stir the crap out of it and then you EAT IT. Yum!

2009-02-19T15:43:00.003-06:00

Here are the suchis I made. Thanks to Sarah for the sushi-makin' stuff!

On the left is a vegetarian roll (well, what was left of it when I took the picture), made with green beans, red peppers and cucumber in a yellow soy wrapper.

On the right is, um, a spicy imitation crab roll, with fake crabmeat, mayo, sriracha and green onion in a regular nori wrapper.

Sorry for the crappy presentation -- I lost track of time and was in a big hurry to eat and leave to see some music videos at a local screening, so I was more interested in eating.

They were a little fally-aparty, especially the veggie one with less crap holding the inside together, but for a first attempt I thought they were presentable. And they tasted deliciousness!

I also made some roasted tofu, which I didn't eat much of. Tonight I plan to stir-fry it up with some green beans, red and yellow peppers, and whatever else I find in the fridge, and will hopefully remember to take pictures (the tofu was good, but needed to be more fried for my taste -- I'm bad, but I just don't like slimy tofu!).

Which reminds me, I've reached a new point in my personal growth as an adult -- I now have enough cooking stuff and variety on hand that I can often make things without having to go shopping based on the recipe! This is apparently normal for other people (you see a lot of "make this easy recipe with things you have on hand" types of deals), but I never have things on hand. Which is why I would give up and go to Subway or Jimmy John's a lot in the past. No more!

2009-02-05T18:46:00.000-06:00

Here's the broccoli. It was frozen broc & I've decided that's a no-no, taste-wise. But the sauce was good. I'd like to figure out how to thicken it -- it said to saute the garlic & ginger in butter, but of course I used olive oil. Wondering if that makes a difference. Not a biggie -- it tasted good, the mooshy frozen broccoli was the only drawback. Makes me want to make stir-fry!

2009-02-05T17:17:00.003-06:00

Haven't really made anything new this week, still eating the leftovers. Oh, but I made baked potatoes and some improvised tzatziki (SP?!) sauce (no cucumber) to put on them. It's good but I used WAY too much garlic. Had that last night with my salad with red onion on it right before I went out, and there was not enough gum in the world to fix that breath. But delicious!

Tonight I might try this ginger-orange sauce recipe I found on some broccolis. It probably won't be that interesting to look at, but I'll have to post a photo of my salad too, since I've been eating it a lot.

Went for a walk with Bella dog today, which was fun! She likes to lead... It's a little dangerous on ice. But fun.

Oh, the day before yesterday I was having coffee with a friend, and we got hungry, so we went to Ecopolitan. Although it's a few dollars more than we could have spent elsewhere, it was well worth feeling good about what I ate away from home. Delicious! I had a falafel wrap (not the best thing I've had there, but very good) and an awesome smoothie that had basil in it. Yums!

Last night I went out with another friend and had 2 beers AND some of her tater tots. They tasted good, but I felt it. Tummy was still kind of pissy this morning. But I don't feel that horrible about eating it, since it's the first fried thing I've had in weeks. A few tots every couple weeks is totally acceptable.

Oh, and for lunch today I had tomato soup (Campbell's) and some lite microwave popcorn. Not ideal, but part of the point of all this was to save money, and I have a ton of that still around, so I should sneak it in now and then and get it gone. Could be worse. Plus I don't want to OD on the yummies I made too soon!

2009-02-02T16:45:00.002-06:00

Dokus Malorkus

2009-02-02T15:56:00.006-06:00

So, in honor of the rantings of the ashcan, this blog will now feature my adventures in health and sustainability. I'm going to post my food adventures, exercise (hopefully someday I'll do more interesting things that walks -- starting my yoga DVD again one of these days for sure, and that'll give me more to obsess about), and trying to be as green as possible on a tight budget.

Right now I'm making curry potato/leek/spinach soup, and it smells great! I've decided to become one of those people who post photos of their food. Because it really is more interesting when you can see it (though not as good as when you eat it!). I could post recipes, but I certainly didn't make most of them up, so I'm not sure if that's OK...

Some things to think about:
Composting in a rental property where there are dogs in the yard
Growing vegetables in said yard...

OK, soup is done, now I have to take and remember how to add a photo. Gotta say, the soup is AWESOME -- depending on your feelings, in spite of or because of its being very green (I forgot about all that spinach -- I was picturing it being kind of orange -- curry/potato).

I usually hate reading recipe reviews where everyone says "this is GREAT, I just substituted most major ingredients and did this and that and totally changed the recipe!" However, since there is a CRAP TON of this soup (I doubled what didn't look like a huge batch), I am going to modify. My ONLY complaint is that it's kind of thin, so I'm going to make some with chunks of potatoes and... Dammit, this is WHY I write stuff down, I forgot what else I was going to do with it! Oh, next time I would probably leave out the milk -- it tastes great, and of course in the end there's more soup, but I like to avoid dairy as much as possible (besides my copious yogurt -- which I plan to try again, yes!)

So I don't know how to use my digital camera -- it's out of focus, oh well. Also, because the soup is thin, this is after stirring my dollop of sour cream in. It was the least crappy photo :)

OK, HERE IS PART OF MY SOUP. Haven't used Photobucket in a while, and APPARENTLY I'm stupid, because when I resize it, hit APPLY, then hit SAVE, it keeps reverting back to its original size. I mean, duh, of course it would. So here's the edge of my giant soup.

Hm, maybe interesting (maybe too much time on my hands)

2009-02-01T21:11:00.003-06:00

So TMI time. Today I am feeling very bad, I think because of that time of month. Very weak, run-down, feel like I'm going to faint every time I stand up, no appetite most of the day.

I finally started to feel hungry, and was going over in my head what I have to eat (not a ton, since I needed to go grocery shopping today and didn't feel up to it). I thought I'm probably iron deficient and should have some of my yummy spinach salad -- sort of the most "naughty" thing I've had lately, as there's a little gorgonzola on it, always tempting. But right now it didn't sound good at all. I thought the spinach was probably good, but the rest sounded bad, and spinach by itself never sounds good (I'm not there yet -- hopefully someday I'll eat spinach leaves like chips!).

So I thought, tuna? Processed, yes, but I'll eat a can plain if it'll help. Eh. Smoothie? Neh. Corn! Eh, corn is good, but I don't think I could eat a bowl right now. Suddenly I thought of the bag of frozen peas, and thought, PEAS, I need PEAS. Now, I eat frozen peas because freezing them doesn't screw them up, but I'm not a huge pea fan (though I do like them fine). And I decided I could handle a couple walnuts.

So I looked up the nutrients in peas, and guess what? Excellent source of iron! Also vitamin c (which I haven't really had today) and whatever-whatevers that help process protein -- from... the walnuts! Anyway, I think, MAYBE, that was my body telling me what it needed. We'll see, I need to less type-y more eat-y.

Ooh, and I just saw that The Princess Bride is on Bravo tomorrow night. SWEEEET.

Memo to the internets:

2009-01-30T10:55:00.002-06:00

Please cease and desist using the word "recycle" when you mean "reuse" or "re-purpose." I am trying to find out if the round cardboard containers oatmeal comes in are recyclable, and all Google is giving me is page after page of "recycle your oatmeal containers into stupid, ugly craft projects!" I know I'll be looking up more recycling tidbits in the near future, and I'm irritated already. Hey, soccer moms, you're screwing up the internets! And your crafts are stoopid!

Hey, it's me!

2009-01-29T18:43:00.005-06:00

After a year of not blogging. Because, really, this is an online diary, and if anyone is still out there, (whazup?), I'm gonna go ahead and bore you, because it's really for myself. (Partly because I have a terrible memory! Some of the stuff I read back on doesn't really ring a bell...) And yes, I deleted some stuff I'd rather pretend didn't happen. It's my blog and I'll cheat if I want to!

So... After 2007, I have to say that 2008 was one of my worst years. Bad things happened, work slowed way down, and I pretty much didn't deal with it well. Gained back probably 10-15 lbs. Just ugh.

BUT, that's what New Year's resolutions are for! I know they're cheesy, and it really is arbitrary to put any sort importance on any certain date, but if one chooses to look at it as motivation to change, there's nothing wrong with that.

So far, I am on a giant health food (and exercise, when it's not freaking below zero) kick. I want to look better, feel better, save money, save the earth, and occupy my time with more productive activities.

I'm all about superfoods, whole foods, making stuff myself (this is relatively new), and my ultimate goal is to buy only things that contain only one ingredient (I would say not processed, but pasteurized milk for my yogurt and dried herbs and spices are fine by me, and those are processes.) I don't know if I'll make it that far -- easy enough when I'm not busy, but I'm getting busier already (mostly Guthrie, unfortunately), so it might be hard to be 100% strict about that. It'll also be nearly impossible on set (though I am going to start bringing some of my own snacks), but at least I can think about what I eat instead of shoving in whatever looks yummy. But for now I'm loving this.

Since that's my obsession, here's what I've been doing: For breakfast, oatmeal (I just discovered that it's delicious with cinnamon and a little honey, and yes, that's good for you); a smoothie made from yogurt (Stonyfield farm fat-free plain is the only way to go -- 6 cultures instead of 2 or 3!), blueberries, strawberries, pineapple and OJ; and a hard boiled egg. (ALL superfoods, I might add, except honey.) And of course coffee, I cannot give that up. Lunches and dinners so far have been: spinach salad (the best is my supersalad with walnuts, red onion, a sprinkle of gorgonzola, with olive oil and red wine vinegar drizzled on top -- also have used carrots, egg, cucumber); squash soup from scratch (thanks for the recipe, SB!); just big bowls of frozen vegetables (frozen is no worse than fresh, and sometimes better because they're flash-frozen while "fresh" has been around a while, leaking nutrients); grapefruit; and before the one-ingredient obsession, tomato soup with a little feta, and I can't remember what all else. Point being, incredibly healthy and DELICIOUS.

Today I tried to make my own yogurt. It didn't work, so I need to invest in a thermometer. I think I can handle making it once I get my process down, and it's about half the price and I'm told tastes much better.

Other things I'm going to try: sweet potato "fries" (baked, of course -- my brother's recipe which is really good); baked potato with seasoned yogurt; garlic mashed potatoes (potatoes are surprisingly healthy and very cheap); a salad of grated cabbage, beet, carrot, diced cucumber, and a dressing that will hopefully resemble Thai plum sauce (I made this up in my head -- I hope it turns out as good as it sounds, because whenever I've totally made a recipe up, it's SUCKED!); baked green bean "fries;" curried spinach potato soup; broccoli with orange sauce (sauce reportedly good on many vegetables); toasting my walnuts to bring out the yumminess (so I read); a baked tofu recipe with some good-lookin' seasonings. More to come as I find more recipes, and I have others up my sleeve to try. (Summer? Gazpacho and taboulli!)

I plan to make my own vegetable broth as soon as I find a good soup pot at Goodwill. AND, I'm going to make Labneh, a soft (Lebanese?) cheese made from basically draining yogurt, then mixed with spices, garlic, etc. I've never had it, but everything I see describes it as delicious. Then I can put that on my salads instead of buying cheese! If I ever make more money, I may try fish. Not sure on that, though, as I'm getting good protein from other sources (I also want to try a pureed edamame recipe I found, and hopefully can use my homemade cheese for -- soybeans have a ton of protein). I might try to find out how Ecopolitan makes their raw "bread" and put the cheese on that.

I'm not about raw at all, and this isn't remotely vegan with the eggs and yogurt (although you CAN make it out of soymilk, so maybe I'll try that). I am trying to cut out wheat for a while to see if that's causing my acne. But when I have more money I definitely intend to buy more responsible eggs and milk. I feel bad not doing so now, but money is about to get VERY tight for a little while, so after that I'll take a breath and reassess.

Tonight is my lovely spinach/walnut/onion/gorgonzola salad with sweet potato fries and ketchup homemade by my dad! Nyum nyum!

Suh-weet

2008-01-04T18:33:00.001-06:00

Looking for payday loans?

PS, Florida?

2007-12-28T23:37:00.000-06:00

It was OK, as OK as spending every waking minutes for 5 days with my mother can be. It was when I got home that it got worse. More on that later if I feel like talking about it (and when there's not a huge delay when I'm typing on here -- am I the only one that happens to? Type for a few seconds them wait like 3x as long for the words to catch up?) Anyway, let's just say that the woman is crazy and I don't know if I can take it anymore.

If small quizzes are quizzies, what are small tests?

2007-12-28T23:29:00.000-06:00

Bored on a Friday night. Not sure if it's because I'm broke (what I tell myself) or because I don't have any friends... So I'm taking online quizzes.

After 3 beers, I have an IQ of 142.

And this is my superpower:
"Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you're on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it's at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it's not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you'll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it's a two way street, because you'll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they've got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you've perfected your superhuman gift, you'll never be without interesting conversation."

Me-OW.

Well, this one was disappointing -- what car matches your personality?:
"You're all about the substance of relationships, not the flash and panache. You're focused on spending time with people and on doing the things you want to do more than the way in which you do it. Sometimes you have to deal with limited resources, but that doesn't mean your life can't be exciting and rich. Just the opposite. You're probably a champion for the underdog, too. Where most people see flaws, you see the character that brings people, and even cars, to life.

So what's the perfect car for your personality? Anything with a history that can get you, well, from here to there, in comfort."

I thought they were gonna tell me WHAT CAR. You know, "you're a '67 Mustang!" I KNOW I drive a car that gets me from here to there (sort of).

Speaking of which, I'm thinking of calling Car Talk. I think I have an electrical problem. I'm hoping someone will tell me it can easily be fixed by cleaning the connections to my battery... Or something equally cheap. The things I can think of: 1) the windshield wipers are OUT OF CONTROL. THEY WON'T STOP. Usually I eventually get them to settle down (though they'll kick back on while I'm scraping my windshield in the morning and scare the crap out of me). 2) the light that illuminates on the shifter what gear I'm in is out. I've only been driving an automatic for a couple years, so I have to turn on the dome light when I start out in the dark or I end up in neutral wondering why I won't go (another good reason to drive a stick -- you KNOW what gear you're in, baby!). 3) I replaced my rear passenger side blinker twice in probably 6 or 8 months (never did that once in 9 years with my last car). 4) my fan only works on the top 2 settings -- bottom two are the same as "off." I feel like there are more things that I've become so used to I'm forgetting them now. I did have the fuse to the lighter blow, never had that in 9 years with the old one either. Anyway, those are my car woes -- not enough to HAVE to fix it, and I can't AFFORD to fix it, so that means I have to live with screaming at my wipers every morning to STOP! PLEASE JUST FUCKING STOP!

And my signature city? New York!:
"Whether you like to have lots of options at your fingertips or you like to be in a metropolitan environment that's buzzing with energy, the Big Apple is the perfect place for you. Maybe you like to mix and mingle at some of the edgiest restaurants, shops, and clubs in the world. Or maybe you like to be in the middle of it all — in the bright lights and big city.

One night could be dinner and a show on Broadway, a stroll through Central Park the next, or a trip to the Met the next. From Grand Central Station to Greenwich Village, New York's got some of the biggest and edgiest things to see and do anywhere in the world. No wonder a trendsetter like you would be right at home in the Big Apple."

(OK, I have to admit that from my answers, that doesn't make much sense. Maybe it's sponsored by the NY tourism industry. But I'll take it!)

What color is my aura:
"We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Sapphire vibe. People with blue auras feel everything strongly — you tend to get a little emotional at the drop of a hat. You're also deeply spiritual and introspective. Matters of the heart, mind, and soul are important to you, and your waters run as deep as the ocean. Nurturing by nature, you're likely a loving, supportive caretaker. That's why friends, family, and co-workers adore you. They know you're a good listener and always have great advice and a shoulder for them to cry on. In fact, if we had to find a fault, it's that you can be a tad too self-sacrificing. Remember that it's okay to say no sometimes. You forgive everyone else their weaknesses, so go ahead and forgive yourself for a little well-deserved selfishness. Indulge your creative side and do something artsy, or just take a break from being the world's counselor. You'll come back refreshed and ready for more."

Well. While I was hoping for green (don't know what they mean, green is just my favorite color), this is pretty damn right on. I mean, it's hard to sit here and agree that yeah, everyone ADORES me! And I don't know if I'm the world's counselor. But some of that is creepy.

I'll update if I come across anything else good (it just crashed Firefox on me, and although this came back, I'm taking it as a sign to shut up now!).

PS, the title is one of those things you just don't know why you remember -- there was a teacher in high school who called quizzes quizzies, and that's what people used to say. Dumb!

2007-12-19T00:11:00.001-06:00

I'm going to Florida! Not sure it counts as a vacation in the sense that it's not somewhere I've been dreaming of going, but it does in that it should be relaxing. Hangin' with the mom and stepdad. Maybe catch Universal Studios. I have no need to ever go back to Disney World, so that's not an issue. Maybe a giant flea market!

Friday, July 30, 2049

2007-08-23T00:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently that's when I'm going to die, according to deathclock.com. Sounds about right to me. Just putting that down for posterity so I can go back on my 72nd birthday and remind myself it's almost over.

Who the hell decided to settle in this god forsaken land, anyway?

2007-08-16T19:28:00.000-05:00

I would also like to say that I went back to my inaugural blog back in February or March, where I was bitching that it was the coldest stretch in 11 years, not supposed to get above 0 for 86 hours straight. And I mentioned that in a few months I'd be bitching that it's so hot.

Well, IT'S SO HOT. OK, today it's really nice and it's getting cooler now. But for most of July and half of August (and it'll probably be back), it's been pretty much in the 90s. I'm sure there were a lot of upper-80s days, but WAY more 90s days than I ever remember. TONS. This while I am now no longer working in an air-conditioned office. Man, when it's 95 degrees with 70%+ humidity and you're either in an smelly, stuffy, airless warehouse putting up hot lights or outside in the direct sun (working with large pieces of black fabric, no less), mostly moving heavy things around and climbing ladders (which makes me sweat no matter what the temp is -- I'm CONFRONTING my fear of heights, getting AROUND it, but I'm far from OVER it), that adds up to a lot of damn sweat. I reached the point where I stopped caring if I looked/smelled gross pretty quickly, but it does get old.

So let the tomato throwing begin. I guarantee that in a few months I will bitch about the cold. That is what it means to be a Minnesotan.

Sleep? That's so 1987.

2007-08-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

Not that much new to write about, but thought I would update that the 2 jobs this week went well. The 2 paying jobs, in addition to the 2 free jobs that I did over the course of 4 days. The thing with that is that, although my feature has weird-ass hours, when you mix the weird-ass hours of FOUR different jobs together, crap, man.

Friday night I got 3 hours of sleep between my late shoot, my inability to go to sleep immediately when I got home, and my early shoot the next day. Sat. night I got 5 hrs., which would have been OK if I had recovered from the night before... Sun. we had a dawn shoot, so we were there at 5 am. Did our thing then had about 6 hours off (was only able to take an off-and-on nap for 2.5 hours) and came back until midnight. However, I wanted to stay up as long as possible because of my overnight the next night, so I went to bed at 5 am -- over 24 hours with a 2.5 hour nap. Mon. night was overnight 9pm-7 or 8am. Had a couple hours to unwind, then went to my NEXT JOB at 11 am. At about 7:30pm started to get quite delirious, having been up for 27 hours. That is, the 2nd day in -- well, I can't count the days because it's hard to tell them apart, but my 2nd >24 hour day in maybe 4 days' time. Got 8 actual hrs. in that night. Then got up before 5 for a 14-hour day Wed. (which is really nothing at this point). Today was AWESOME -- we shot from 11am-3pm. And we were DONE. What the hell? So tonight I'm going out, just to make sure I'm not too rested for our 9am shoot tomorrow.

I really don't mind being tired and all, except that I know I'll get sick if I keep it up. Hopefully the last couple days will be OK, and then I'm back to having nothing lined up yet, so we'll see. I'd still rather do this and not sleep than any of my stupid day jobs.

What Babo lacks in mind power, he makes up for in love

2007-08-10T01:00:00.001-05:00

"Babo will protect you. Having a bad day? Someone giving you a hard time? Babo's got your back. What Babo lacks in mind power, he makes up for in love. He will stick with you to the end, and when something scary happens, he will send you a nice greeting card from wherever it is he runs away to."

Beware: you are entering a long drawn-out ranty-rave about how just super great everything is, Pollyanna. Consider your ass warned.

A few years ago when I was having one of my notorious strings of bad luck (I think it was the time my grandpa died, my car died twice, and I fucked up my hand and had to go to the emergency room and later have my finger re-broken, all within one or two weeks), a friend gave me the above Ugly Doll keychain for luck. I used it until I got my widdle buh-buh (now giant cat-man Neko) last summer (when I had to hide everything of such kittenly temptation), but honestly, it was always just a cute trinket to me. Little did I know the power it held.

On Monday I was looking for something else and came across the ugly little thing (now kinda grubby) and stuck it on my purse zipper for the hell of it.

Tuesday, while out having a great time with my old work friends (and $.75 PBR pints? Gotta love suburbia), I got a call, a hopefully very lucrative job working on corporate videos for a locally based corporation. Hopefully as in maybe it will turn into a lot more work.

Then I got the check I'd been vaguely waiting for from cashing out my pension when I quit my job. Didn't really know when it would get here (they possibly only paid out twice a year, so I was thinking January), so I wasn't counting on it for anything. Not only was it here, but, uh, it was a LOT MORE than I had expected. Nice reward for my years of doorknob shit, I have to admit. And to clarify, this wasn't money I put in and am losing some of now, this was 100% contributed by my otherwise shitty employer.

Wednesday was fun, nothing terribly lucky, but it was the wrap party for the movie I just worked on and I had a very good time.

Then today I randomly got ANOTHER job that actually pays actual money. And anything local that pays (most of my paying stuff has been "passing through" TV and such) will hopefully lead to more work too. It was a referral by someone I respect, the girl who called me sounded really nice (good first sign that it won't suck), etc. So hooray. Pays well too.

Later I went to a little industry happy hour with a friend and might have helped her get some work (introduced her to the people I knew there), had a good time, and got back on the freebie but fun job tomorrow that I thought I wasn't going to be able to do. Not only that, they were so sweet about being happy I was going to be there. The one who I saw at the happy hour called after I left to see if I could work because someone else would be gone, and was really happy I said yes. So then I called the director (or producer, I forget now, oops) to tell him I was coming after all, and he got all happy and told me I was a bright spot in his crappy day! How cute is that? So those last bits aren't really luck, but it was a good day.

Anyway, I'm scared to death now that I'm going to step on a crack, break a mirror, or something else to end my string of goodness. But it's been an awesome week, and if things stay this good, my head just might explode.

2007-08-02T01:53:00.001-05:00

Well, this fucking bites.

I was in a bar about a mile away from this bridge when it happened (and have proceeded to get a little drunk, sorry). Hadn't driven across said bridge in a week... Which is a little creepy since I can't remember the last time, before the shoot that brought me to the area last week. Not that it's about me and my non-close-calls. My landlord was the first person to ask if I was OK, via text message, and I was like, OK, me? Sure, why? OHHHHH, because people like US were ON that thing. Not that I didn't realize it, but that's when it really hit. Now I'm worried about everyone. Not that it matters whether I knew the affected people or not -- I got worry enough for everyone.

Things like this don't happen in Minneapolis.

Update:

2007-07-31T14:35:00.000-05:00

It's 2:45 pm and I'm SO BORED. I've done my resume, and I guess I should try to find random people to e-mail it to (got it ready for tomorrow, though). I haven't spoken to another person since Sunday pretty much... I've spent about half of my waking hours for the past 3 days online... HELP!

Well, right now I'm going to go scoping out free stuff I found on craigslist. There is a green old-school metal cooler on someone's curb that I'm going to go check out. Yeah, it's sad. I don't have room for this crap, but at least it's a free passtime. (Except the gas...)

Floorball tonight -- I haven't been in at least a month -- but it's supposed to be a high of 96 today, so I really don't want to. If it was inside/beer night I might, but it's outside/no beer/direct sun/sweatfest. I just spent the past 3 weeks sweating nonstop...

I better figure out something to do with my time, because I have 10 more days until that AC job starts. I will never make it!

Boring updates on my life because the only thing in my life is film work right now

2007-07-31T10:06:00.000-05:00

All right. 13 Hours is done! Which by the end was getting a little exhausting, so although I'll miss it, it is nice to sleep once in a while.

Here's something: I was getting so pissed off at the guys not listening to me by the end that I almost walked out more than once. This is not good because a) these boys are really nice -- they're not jerks, they were just ACTING like jerks (and I asked other people to make sure it wasn't my imaginiation/crabbiness), and therefore b) if I can't deal with them, I'm not going to make it. I was getting pretty upset.

But then I got an offer that may have made up for it, or at least distracted me: we're doing reshoots for Open, which I worked on with a bunch of these people last summer, and the DP on both Open and 13 Hours asked me if I want to AC for him on Open! Uh, ya know, sure, why not...? ;D Fuck yeah! And to all those naysayers who said dolly grip won't get you any closer to camera work, suck me, because it has! I should be freaked out because this is 16mm, but the DP teaches at MCTC so he's used to teaching, I know I'm cool with the idea of film (it sounds to me like being scared of effing up film is most people's main problem), and he's going to teach me how to load before we start. It'll be an easy AC job, the camera is pretty much all on tripods so there's little or no focus pulling or racking or whatever... (I have a lot to learn.) Anyway, this is me being psyched.

I also have an interview with people from a large locally based corporation that produces its own commercials in-house. ;) That's tomorrow. Gotta spend today preparing.

And, without going into detail, I got a couple of unexpected paychecks last week. It's like 2 days' worth of pay (bad pay for 2 days, really), but it's money I was not expecting, so that's pretty cool. Still, haven't made any significant money. I think after Open I'm going to have to get a job.

Thirteen Hours

2007-07-15T03:08:00.000-05:00

I know I should blog... But I'm so tired! But I will. I'm working on a feature -- unpaid, but I'm a grip. It's FUN. The material is slightly lacking, I must admit, but I still actually want to see the movie. Regardless, the crew (AND CAST, fer once) are the most fun I've worked with. Actually, I've worked with a lot of them before. But it's funner than ever! I drive home with a sore face from laughing so much. Oh, and we do some work and shit too. I've been on dolly because the DP thinks I'm good at it, which is pretty sweet. (Someone else was doing it first, then they had me try it, and now they only let me! If I'm working on something else, it's all like, hey, where's Kristina, someone else do that, she has to come dolly grip!) The tough one was no track (and the wheels are always slightly wobbly even when locked, so you have no choice but to steer), fast backward move into a space with only about a foot on each side of us without hitting something (a car and a pillar), with a retarded PA wrangling my cables (so I had to avoid tripping over them -- the cables AND the retarded PA). And it may not have been my BEST work, but it WORKED! The rest has been good. I love it.

As much as I'd love to do this forever... I really need some paying work. Stat.

But I'm having a fucking good time, and I'm not doubting my decision to quit the doorknob job for a second. That place sucked. PAST TENSE NOW, thank you very much.

Oh, I tried to get OSHA to investigate them, and they said they would certainly do an inspection based on what I told them -- IF I was a current employee. Fucking government, the fact that I was surprised by that just goes to show what a dumbass I am... I told them repeatedly that I could not report the place when I worked there as I WOULD have been fired, much like the girl who was fired after filing a sexual harrassment complaint. Fucking shit. I give up. They're going to Send A Letter, though. Super awesome! That'll teach those mofos to poison their employees!

Oh well. Bygones. I do miss some of my coworkers, but really, I mean, not that I don't miss THEM, but I don't miss working with them if it means doing that instead of this. And I'll see them. So I guess I don't miss actually working with them. At least not as much as I thought. I will stay in touch.

Damn, I'm fuckin' pooped.

Happy 7-7-7!

2007-07-07T18:23:00.000-05:00

If 2007 is the year of Kristina, you'd think today would be THE DAY of Kristina. I haven't had anything particularly amazing happen to me. Yet. I can't imagine what that would be, anyway.

S & D are at the wedding, hopefully drunk at the reception by now! It was awesome to have D stay for a few days. I -- LOVED it. He's -- hilARious. Now S has to come for a visit too!

If all goes well (which I actually don't think it WILL, but there's still a part of me that hopes), I should be busy through August. But... I have a 3-week unpaid job coming up (I hope NOT to be there for 3 weeks, but will work whenever I don't have paying work), then in Aug. we do pickup shots for the feature I did last summer. Between there, the one I'm not holding out much hope for, is a 4 week STRAIGHT (as in, no days off) paying job. The day rate is good, too. But. That starts in a little over a week and I applied about 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard back. Not a good sign. Sigh.

Other than that... I need to find paying work! Not panicking yet by any means, just need to kick myself in the ass and do it. I like doing all this free grip stuff, and it's valuable, but it doesn't pay the bills quite yet. The good thing is that it will eventually pay them, and better than most things I'd be doing in the biz. Still, I can't devote all my time to free stuff. Much as I wish I could.

It's ungodly outside. Upper-90s and humid. YUCKY. It's supposed to "cool down" to mid-80s by mon., but I think it's going to be a rough shoot. It's all in a warehouse, so I'm assuming it's not AC'd. But I'm also assuming it's at night (it's a horror movie where scary things happen while some bad guys are hiding in a warehouse -- touted as "Reservoir Dogs with ghosts"), so that should help a wee.

The weather is making my crabby, though.

I don't have to fuckin' get up tomorrow

2007-07-01T21:44:00.000-05:00

'Cept I will.

Because Donnie is coming!

And I need to e-mail people.

But.

I can stay up late effing around on my 'puter if I want.

Because I don't have to go to work!

HOW old am I?

2007-06-27T21:44:00.000-05:00

Seriously. Not to harp on this, because I think I've mentioned it before, but it's getting a little ridiculous, and I want to know what the hell, please.

Today I was talking to a film dude and he asked how old I was. I hesitated... I've actually decided not to volunteer that information, since I'm newer at this -- best to let people think I'm younger than think of me as an old lady starting out where the 22-year-olds are. But I did tell him I'm 30, and he was all, "shut up!" And I was all, "nuh-uh, serious!" (No, I don't talk like that. That was sarcasm. That's NOT why people think I'm 12.)

Earlier this week I was playing floorball and we were picking teams. The guy we all knew to be the oldest one there suggested we go by age -- oldest and youngest to start with. A few people looked at me, although some know my age. The other contender for youngest said that would probably be me (I mean, me, not him referring to himself -- I GOTTA start using quotation marks more fastidiously). I said, uh, no, I'm pretty sure it's you, and asked his age. TWENTY-THREE. A Twenty-three-year-old thought I was younger than TWENTY-THREE.

Fuchrissake.

One of the first times I went to floorball, people asked if I was going to the bar with them afterward. Another of the young 'uns asked if I was old enough to drink. I assumed that was a joke and said aww, he's my new best friend, etc. Now I gotta wonder if he was FREAKING SERIOUS.

I mean, we all want to stay youthful (HA, I acutally just mistyped "useful" there -- freudian?), it's been pounded into our psyches by the magazines and such. I'd like to be a youthful 30, sure. BUT I AM NOT 22. I haven't been for some time. I'd LIKE to think I've had some life experiences in that time that have given me at least SOME essence of wisdom, even the hardships. (Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky for the extent of the hardships I've had in my life -- still, I HAVE had my problems.) Does NOTHING I've done show on my face? Hell, even 5 years of fucking doorknobs oughta get me something.

Anyway. I'm starting to get a little pissed off about this. Looking young is one thing, but people thinking you're hardly more than a child is upsetting. I KNOW it's partly my voice. This is why (OK, it's not WHY, but it doesn't help me change the fact that) I smoke. Maybe some day I will sound like a real grownup. But in the meantime, PLEASE, can someone tell me how to ACT MORE LIKE THE ADULT THAT I AM?

(NOTE: I do not mean that in any sense of the phrase that my mother would presume. I'm not going to poop out a kid or buy a house or whatever "grownups" are supposed to do. How can I be myself, yet be seen as an adult version of that self?)

Ha!

2007-06-26T19:40:00.001-05:00

Ha ha ha haaa! Ha haaaa!

Ha ha ha haaa ha ha haaaaaha ha hahahahaaaa!

HA!

Sweeeeet justice and the few sources of excitement in my daily existence

2007-06-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

They caught the little bastards. It was the first two little guys who were still in the rink that I yelled at first! One of the ones I KNEW was lying! (Although the leader was the cute wide-eyed innocent looking one who did the talking -- there's a punk in the making.) So I feel good that a) they got in trouble, b) I WAS FUCKING RIGHT, and c) that those little fucks are banned from the park from now on (per the park lady). She said they'd try to get my money back, but I said it's not a big deal, I'm just glad the little shits got in trouble. MAYBE one or two less grownup thugs in the making? Doubt it, but I gotta have the hope that something good will come of this besides a bunch of kids getting a pizza party on me (which is what they did with it -- I guess that's good thing #d -- they didn't buy their first crack pipe or anything. Almost touchingly wholesome, really).

It's hot, so I put my window AC in. GodDAMN that thing is loud, and it's right behind my head when I sit on my couch, making it very difficult to watch movies. Last night I was watching a French one with subtitles (Cache), so that was OK, then had to turn the AC off for my partially English movie (Babel). Tonight I watch Trainspotters (yes, FINALLY -- I've been yelled at many times for not having seen it yet) -- subtitles, turn of the AC -- or both??

Yesterday I went to Goodwill and got some actually really cool stuff! I highly recommend it. Some of their clothes aren't a great deal (most clothes are $5 -- sorry, that's too much for most of it, especially the t-shirt/men's undershirt that I just bought at Target brand-new for $10 for a 2-pack -- WTF?). But their t-shirts (excpet cheap undershirts, apparently) are mostly $2 each. I also found the coolest Japanese schoolkid backpack in brand-new condition for $3.

Today I go to garage sales and Ragstock. I need t-shirts for work now that I'm not dressing up anymore. Actual t-shirts, as in high neckline, as in I can do my job without flashing the world every time I bend over.

I wish I didn't have boobs. Ack, I typed that word again! Bleah!

I also need a large cooler with wheels (so I can be the bestest PA ever -- comes with own action cooler!) and two pitchers (I just learned how to make cold press, the loveliest of the coffee beverages).

So wow, those are the kinds of exciting things I have to talk about when I actually have a whole weekend to myself. Now you wish I was still harping on my film career, don't you? Bwaahahahahahaaaa.

FOUR MORE DAYS OF FUCKING DOORKNOBS (because I'm taking Wednesday off to make an egg commercial). Fuckin' sweet. My replacement starts on Monday, so I get to start training him. :P I really don't feel like training a new person and pretending I DON'T hate this place with a blinding passion, but then, he's gonna figure the place out soon enough. I was gonna say, "unless he's stupid." But even stupid people figure it out within a couple weeks.

A valuable lesson

2007-06-19T21:19:00.001-05:00

Well, today I learned one. I went to the park to play floorball, and I left my purse right outside of the hockey rink where we play. Everyone else leaves backpacks, etc. there (no purses, I was the only girl), and you can see people standing UP behind the wall. And I was on the phone and running late and I just didn't think.

A bunch of little children were watching us for a few minutes, then helped themselves to the extra sticks and balls and started playing at the other end of the rink. After a few nervous looks amongst ourselves, we sort of non-verbally came to the consensus to be nice, I guess, and let them play, made sure they were safe and stayed out of the way where we might run them over.

We get done and I see my purse there. Just as a precaution, I check my wallet.

My cash is gone. I figure I had about $34 (I'm not 100% sure, unfortunately -- I think there was a 20, two 5's, and about four 1's). Not a huge sum, but in my current circumstances, that's groceries and "going out" money for a week.

Some of the kids were still there. I surprised myself with my bold demeanor and my ability to be stern, possibly harsh, but totally in control and not swearing (because based on past experiences with being burglarized, I wanted to freak out on their little asses). I marched up to the two still on the court and demanded to know which of their little friends stole money out of my purse. I don't remember the chain of events, but we ended up in a nearby corner of the park with the rest of them, asking them who took my money.

Those little shits just lied. Some other kids did it. Uh-huh. All but two looked innocent, but those two gave it away. One asked me if it was a $20 bill or something. If I'd had a little more presence of mind, I would have nailed her on that -- how did she know there was a 20? I pretty much gave up -- if I called the cops, the little shits would be home and in bed by the time the fuzz showed up. As I was walking away in disgust, a lady from the park walked up -- I just said it was my own goddamn fault and kept walking. I guess she told the other guys that those kids are a bunch of little thieves. The guys agreed later that the little fuckers were lying.

You know what pisses me off more than anything? That I left my fucking purse sitting out where a bunch of little fucking kids could get to it. And that there was nothing I could do about it, and they knew it. If I had taken one menacing step in their direction I'D be arrested, and the 8-10 or so of them could scatter if the cops actually did show up. And even if they caught them, what could the cops do?

And I'm disgusted that we were nice to these little shitheads. Next time, if there is a next time (some of the guys are talking about not going back, but honestly I say we just know better than to be trusting next time -- why give up our park?), one kid steps up to the side of the rink and I'm all over it like flies on shit, baby. Or whatever the phrase is. I'm not afraid of a bunch of little rat children.

THIS is why I'll never fucking breed. Although I'm sure this is a case of shitty parenting. But this is our future, guys. My friend was just telling me about the movie Idiocracy, the upshot of which is that the stupid people keep breeding like bunnies and the smart people, you know, focus on their careers instead of having children, and in 500 years our country is populated with a bunch of halfwits. Not so far from the truth.

I should address this too: part of the reason everyone went easy on them playing with our gear is that they were all black/latino. You know what? Fuck that, you steal my shit, I don't care if you're fucking Jon Benet Ramsey (pretty little white girl, aren't we supposed to love them bestest?). My early childhood was on the "wrong side of town," if my little town has one of those, and I know damn well I hung out with little white kids who would have done the same. In high school I hung out with a bunch of older white kids who I later found out were burglarizing businesses. So fuck that, don't mess with me and don't think I'm going to meekly walk away because you're a) 8, b) black, c) anything else that allegedly qualifies you for my pity. Or that, really, is supposed to make me feel guilty enough about who I am that I'm too afraid to speak out. Because you know what? Besides the odd Post-its from work and some signs in my rebellious days in high school, I've never stolen a goddamn thing in my life. Never even shoplifted a Tootsie Roll. You know why? I could say my parents told me not to, but the other kids' parents did too, I'm sure. They were mostly Catholic, the religion of guilt and prohibitions. I didn't steal stuff because I FUCKING KNEW IT WASN'T MINE AND IT WAS WRONG.

You know what else? It could have been way worse. They could have taken my whole purse, including my keys, my cell phone, my check card, my ID, my checkbook, my day planner (shit!) and oh, say in the case of the last motherfucker who stole my shit, things like keys to a coworker's house and directions to get there, my social security card, my bank info... Anything else? So I was fucking lucky it was only children who only know how to use cash and only took what they could hide on their persons. And, hey, they didn't take the keys and help themselves to my car.

But let this be a lesson to all: people suck. If there's anything they can take from you, you best assume they will. (Unless it's a case like my brother's mugging, where they in fact seemed only interested in beating the shit out of someone -- they took $8 from his wallet, but left his Discman on the ground next to his bloody body.) If you leave your shit unattended for any reason, it may not be your FAULT someone else's actions resulted in the loss of said shit, but you really have no one to blame but your own stupid naive-assed self.

Awright, I pose

2007-06-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

I just realized I posted a couple of my most inane posts right after a certain goat/cat lady linked to me from her bloggedy blog. Which really just fuels the conversation she started about the whole blog phenomena. Do I suddenly think people are buyin' what I been sellin', and does/should it make a difference in what I post? Why or why not? Discuss.

However, if, like, Goatmaiden's mom suddenly picked this day to see what Ashcan-Rantings is all about, well, talking about almost puking into a wastebasket is probably not my best work. So skip that one, Goatmom, if indeed you are out there ;)

Here is my own weird thought of the day: my hands are starting to show their age. And I like it. Old hands are way prettier than plain old smooth ones. My veins stick out.

OK, so I thrive on the inane.

I might be working on commercials with giant eggs in them soon. And a Manhattan-based outfit is looking for a PA but didn't mention what day. Heh. Makes me less paranoid about typos on my resume.

NINE MORE DAYS of fucking doorknobs.

WTF

2007-06-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

See below how I had a stomach ache last night -- I almost puked in my garbage can at work today. Food poisoning again? Something. I suddenly felt really nauseous, broke out in a cold sweat all over, and was shaky. Someone told me I looked terrible and I went in the bathroom and I was seriously green. Then it passed, but my legs ached all day. Pleah. I'm feeling better now than this morning, but still not great. I hate it!

Iowans are the wrost drivers

2007-06-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

Family reunion was very fun -- so good to see everyone! My brother and I stayed in one of the worst hotels I've been in (and as I'm quick to point out, I've stayed in some of the worst hotels in the country -- I have LOW standards), but at least we had our own bathroom. With a shower. The house would have been a little crowded, plus grandma paid for our room, since we couldn't even afford that, let alone the Holiday Inn everyone else was staying at. Had to share a room with the bro, which was actually kind of fun. Not that we really did anything but watch TV -- no drunk-fests or deep conversations -- but it's good to spend time with him once in a while.

I don't feel so great right now. It could be because I had more sugar this weekend than I've had all year.

Cats survived the weekend alone, all 8 limbs still seem to be attached. I must admit that I do worry about my boys.

That's about all I have to say right now. It's really hot and my tummy hurts, so I think I'm going to watch a little Monty Python and go to bed.

Today I turned in

2007-06-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

My letter of resignation!

It went pretty well. Word got around fast (I figured no one would tell anyone, and the day after I left, people would say, hey, I didn't know Kristina quit... Happened to a friend of mine who just left this place, actually).

I wasn't sure if I was going to tell them what I was going to do, but everyone asked, and I didn't really want to be a bitch about it, so I told them. Probably a good thing, really, because then it looks like I'm leaving just because of that and not also because I hate that place. Not that I don't WANT to tell them that, but I really am trying to take the high road.

Today was really busy, and again I was getting annoyed, even at the people I mostly like. They're concerned that I don't leave them a mess when I leave, yet I can't walk by them without them pulling me into a totally pointless conversation, and I can't get them to voluntarily help with anything (if I do extricate myself from said conversation, they continue it for another half hour), and I really don't want to put any effort on my part into asking them to please help with some of this shit. But for god's sake, when I tell you I have 18 jobs, shipments or follow-ups that I need to do ASAP (and maybe have time to do half of them today if I really, really, really book ass), don't assume I'm exaggerating -- that's an actual count I had at one point, and I later realized I had forgotten a couple of things on that list -- so can you please stop bugging me? It would be easier to just slack off and not do it, but I'm TRYING to be a good person here, people! Anyway, if it continues I'll just let it go and be a slacker. It's for their benefit that I'm trying to be good. And I guess just to have the knowledge that I'm a good person. Eh, I know I'm a saint for dealing with this place for as long as I have. ;) Who wouldn't screw off and do as little as possible after giving their notice?

So that's that. Haven't progressed too much with the film stuff yet, but now that I'm free to put myself out there as much as I want, that's the next order of business. Got a non-paying job tonight & the showing of Saturday's project on Thurs., then leaving town for the weekend for my family reunion -- ack! So I guess Wednesday I'll be making some phone calls. Or maybe Monday. Because luck will dictate that if I call people right before a weekend I'm not available, I'll get all kinds of offers I'll have to turn down for the weekend... Could be worse, I guess. Next week I talk to a rental house to see if they'll hire me to as a grip-truck-stocker so I can learn more about gripping. And maybe get a class-whatever license so I can drive the trucks.

I just wrote

2007-06-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

My letter of resignation.

HA

HA

HA

!!

Being poor sucks

2007-06-10T15:24:00.001-05:00

Man, you can't buy much with yer money these days. I'm trying to be poor, and it's harder than I thought. You really can't do anything, and it's really hard to eat healthy. I think I did a good job today. A lot of sandwiches and crackers (Triscuits and Wheat Thins on sale for $1.49/box!), but I got some pitas, hummus, tomato, cucumber and sprouts. My favorite sandwich (try it with roasted red peppers).

I'm also trying to go vegan, which I don't think will be 100% possible right now. I just saw a movie called Earthlings that was probably the most disturbing thing I've ever seen, addressing the way humans use animals, who are just as much earthlings as we are, for various purposes (food, pets, clothing, medical testing, etc.). And I feel horrible, because I was like, dammit, I'm going vegan. Then forgot and put cream in my coffee, then ate this or that because it was easier.

However, freelancing=poor, and I have to take advantage of free food as much as possible. So at home and at restaurants, I am vegan. At other people's houses (such as my family reunion next weekend, when my 80-year-old gramma has enough to worry about) and on shoots, I will be as good as possible but will still eat the occasional cheese. As everyone has pointed out, my not eating animal products won't actually make a difference. It's just my choice not to participate in that. Or at least to avoid it as much as possble.

This week I worked on an Ultimate Fighting Championship show, which was... Well, I made some money. For the most part it was pretty good, actually, but there were some issues at the end which left me with a pretty bad taste. (They tried to passive-aggressively -- without even coming out and telling me this was what they expected me to do until I asked about 3 times how exactly they were planning to do this when they were leaving at 5 am -- get me to take 5 or more large boxes to FedEx on my own time after the shoot was done and I was done being paid. I couldn't do it because I was working, and frankly was glad I had the excuse, because the truth is that's bullshit, yet they weren't too happy that I couldn't do it. Hey, hire me for 4 days instead of 3 if there's still stuff to be done the day after you leave, but don't expect me to take another day off work to do your shit for free. Or to do your shit for free when I was planning to sit at home on my ass anyway. Or even to do your shit for free when it's on my way to somewhere else and wouldn't take much of my time. You can afford to buy sushi and organic $10 sandwiches for lunch every day, then you can pay the damn PA.) Ah, the more I work with out-of-towners, the more I love them. (OK, the SD people I worked with were really nice. I would have said CA people, but some of these were based in Las Vegas and at least 2 were originally from the East Coast.) And I'm sorry, if they ever see this I'll never work in this town again (ha), but the makeup girl was way more of a diva about having to have everything exactly to her weird standards than the talent (who was totally fine about stuff). Does the makeup chick get to be that way?? When do I get to be a demanding brat?? Whiiiiine, there's not enough chicken on my salad. Well, let's show the waitress who just told us TWICE (because you made me ask TWICE) that that IS extra chicken. Well, I already ate it. So you want me to go tell her that wasn't enough chicken, but you already ate it? Never mind, it's fine. No, no, I'll buy you more chicken if you want more chicken. I didn't eat lunch yesterday, I can go without again today. No, it's fine, never mind. AUGH.

So whine about my new career. I know being a PA sucks, and that's OK. It's a rite of passage, everyone has to put in their time. And it depends on who you're working with -- it can be a great way to learn different departments while not being expected to know everything already when you get there. (That's why it pays less.) But jobs like this, well, they're there to keep me fed through the month. And to get me that much closer to real jobs if possible. THIS isn't what I want to do.

Now, yesterday's shoot, another story. Unpaid, of course, but I was a grip on a 48 Hour Film Project contender (of which there are like 80 in Mpls, because we rock), where you get 48 hrs. to write, produce and edit/post a short film. Ours is great, I'm so happy I got in with this group. And I got to grip without feeling like I'm unworthy and thrown into a situation that was over my head, so it was really good experience for me. The people were nice, I saw a few I knew before, and I really like the guy who brought me on -- I met him at the show I worked on last Friday (where I dolly gripped -- he was the camera operator). It's nice when you meet people you really like working with and have prospects of working with them again. That's what it's all about -- good people, good projects, etc. So I hope that goes somewhere. He's part of a production company, so I'm hoping that could turn into something. If I didn't mention that here, Drinking with Ian (the one I dolly gripped on last week) was GREAT. I met so many good people, worked with people I've worked with before (all ones I liked, too), and it was a GREAT opportunity. Dolly grip is one of the things I'd like to specialize in, if you can specialize around here. (Not really, but at least I'd like people to think of me when they think of dolly grips.)

Babbly babble babble.

It's coming along. Feeling pretty good about things. Need to get out there and start getting hired once I'm unencumbered with this stupid job.

Soon to be future Ms. Unemployed America

2007-06-03T20:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, folks, the time has come. As much as I thought it would be a labored, frightening leap into the black abyss, it really wasn't: I'm quitting my day job and freelancing full time! Yep. It's official -- all except for telling my job, that is.

Here's what happened: Tuesday I was talking to the hockey guys and mentioned I'd had to turn down 2 paying weekday jobs, and they said, oh, you don't want to do THAT. And I started thinking, my god, I've put myself out there, begged to be hired, then when people called, said, yeah, uh, can't really do that. NOT COOL. So I tossed and turned into the night. When I finally slept, I was having a dream about freelancing when awakened by my cats at about 4 am. I didn't get back to sleep after that, lying there wondering what I should do. All day I thought about it. That night I barely slept again (this was not helped by my cough that won't go away, mind you -- haven't slept well in a couple weeks -- I will only briefly mention that I fully believe that this is brought on by the noxious fumes from the welding shop attached to my office by a semi-insulated corrugated wall and a door that opens and closes about twice a minute. And yes, I'm finally going to call OSHA about it).

Thursday I was sitting there at work miles away in my own little world, thinking about all this when I sat up and said, OK, wait, I've been saving up for a little while now -- how much money do I have, vs. how much money do I need? I started doing some math. And I realized that, effective immediately, if I limit my non-set-bill spending (groceries, gas, beers etc.) to a certain, very low amount, I can probably get by through September with NO paying jobs if I work here through June.

When September rolls around, either I: am making a living and will continue to, am making a living but jobs will drop off, or am not making a living, and if it's either of the 2 latter I will go out and get temp office jobs until things pick up again. Temp jobs are always easy enough to get, and I have enough office experience now that I should make decent money. I've verified with people who've worked temp that this is still the case -- you can pretty much get a job immediately.

How simple and foolproof is that? And of course I'll make SOME money, so I think I can afford a vegetable once in a while (instead of living on pbj's, my plan until things pick up). I will also be able to get a beer or two with industry people for networking purposes from time to time (and so as not to go crazy).

I talked to my mom today and didn't mention that I'm quitting, smirkedy smirk. I don't know if I'll ever tell her. I rarely talk about my doorknob job anyway, and I won't lie, but if she doesn't specifically ask, "are you still working at that job?" I don't think I'll bring it up. Maybe if I make it for like a year and haven't asked her for one red cent I'll tell her.

Anyhoo. I've got a lot coming up already (taking time off work -- shhh!) and am feeling pretty confident about the whole thing despite some of my more experienced friends not being too enthusiastic about their own prospects. (Hard to compare me to them, though -- I'm a cheapass PA, not a producer or gaffer/grip/all-around kickass individual with a ton of equipment who knows everything and therefore costs more than lil ol me). Feeling pretty good, yet not dangerously manic about it. Ahhhh.

Rollercoaster (of loooove)

2007-05-28T01:04:00.000-05:00

I've realized in the past week that one thing I REALLY need to learn to do is separate my mood, my mental sense of well-being, from the ups and downs of my so-called film career. I was down for quite some time until my contact-everybody blitz because I wasn't doing anything. After the blitz I was borderline manic because things were going so well. Then things kind of petered out a little (a couple jobs fell through, a couple didn't go as well as I'd hoped), and I was in the depths of despair again. Today a guy I'm hoping to work with more called me about a job that I wasn't even able to take (DAMN my day job and my stupid needs to, like, have shelter and eat), but the fact that he thought of me, and he said he's keeping me on his "short list," had me all happy again.

Okey dokey, first of all, it's just a bad idea to get that emotionally involved in just the getting of work, because the desperation is going to get pretty rancid pretty quick. Second, I just gotta say, I love you, my friends -- I have not shut my damn mouth about this stuff for WEEKS, and you've all been so kind as to not tell me to fuck off and actually seem to CARE. :)

That leads me to the rest of my day. I realized today that I worked the last 20 days straight without a day off until today. And the bad week film-wise, and I've been sick for a week and a half, and I have been having a really hard time going through the motions at the ol' day job... So I went to the coffee shop, bought an almond toffee scone and a cuppa cold press, took it to the park and sat on a swing with my breakfast in the sun. Then I went home, got in my car, drove to the mall and bought myself another pair of damn pants and some damn capris, dammit (because I don't have enough damn clothes that still fit! Even my skinny clothes are too fat! I don't think I'm still losing weight, but I guess if not my jeans are stretching out...!) Then I came home, got a book and my MP3 player, and sat on the deck for several hours in the sun. Then I walked to the gas station (about 1.5 mi. round trip, so I got some non-slacking in) for cigs, and returned to the deck until the sun started to go down and it got too cold. GOD, it was relaxing. I'm a bit sunburned, but just enough that I should end up a slightly darker shade of pale than I was. And all that vitamin E or whatever -- I feel so much better! I came home last night feeling REAL BAD about this cable access internship thing, so I needed this.

Did I mention the TV thing? I'm interning for the Mpls. cable access station. Until last night (worked on 1 whole show and 1 that was rained out after about 1/2 hour) I was feeling good about it, and I'll get over last night, but I'll sum it up like this: put me in charge of something I have no idea how to do, don't give me any instruction as to how to do it, then proceed to spend a good part of the show bitching me out because I'm not doing it right. For FREE? Nuh-uh, find another sucker. We'll just see if that continues -- I realize live TV can be stressful, the bitcher in question was in a bad position, and it was just ill planning, but I don't need that shit from cable freaking access. However, everyone else has been extremely nice and funny and pleasant and whatnot, so I'm hoping this is a fluke.

Ah, two cats schnuggled up against me right now. Sighs. PS, earlier, Mikey attacked Neko and clamped onto his neck like a bulldog! I've never seen such a thing! Is he finally asserting himself, or was he possessed? Why was Neko not fighting back? I finally had to make Mikey let go because I was getting worried! Hm, don't hurt my baby, bu yay Mikey, way to be a MAN!

Holy brain diarrhea, better not read this one

2007-05-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I am FRICKING TIRED. FRICK. Who says or actually types out FRICK?

I worked at the cable access show Friday and OPERATED A FRICKING CAMERA. Wow, I thought I was going to watch them and learn how to wrap a cable. I have 3 more dates set with them for May. It rockeded!

Saturday I worked a loooooong day on Dead of Night or whatever they're going to call it (I'll let you know so you can all rush to the theater to see it. ALL of you. Sarah.) It was COOL -- big set, LOTS of people. I think I learned about 50 new names -- and I actually remembered a lot of them! That's the thing I have to really work the hardest at.

Oh, and I met this guy:

Not to be confused with this guy:

(Weird: I couldn't find one picture of them together... Discuss.)

So anyway, it's fun, I'm exhausted, and I had to not work on the film today, despite the fact that they needed and WANTED me back, AND get up 4 hours after I got home from shooting last night because of mother's day. Most people just call their mom, but I had to get up at 8 am, pick up my brother 45 min. out of my way, drive 2.5 hours down there, eat, talk to relatives, drive 2.5 hours back, drop off brother, and try to sleep (yes, so I blog -- hey, my hair is drying). But do I get to lay on the guilt trip this time? Nope, mom does, because we didn't stay long enough. ARGH. I just have to say, and I hope I don't regret putting this out there, that I was getting really choked up reading mother's day cards this year. Because I was overcome with gratitude toward my mother? No, because so many of them were like, "mom, you've always supported me," blah blah blah. My mother does NOT support me and would rather have me work a job I DESPISE and which makes me want to die a quick death instead of this slow, torturous one, instead of pursuing a chance at professional fulfillment (which is the way I choose to find it -- not through breeding and such shit) and for once in my life taking real risks to do what I want to do, because she couldn't stand not having a steady income, so therefore I can't do it (you know, like "I'm cold, put on a sweater"). She goes out of her way EVERY TIME IT COMES UP to mention that this is such a great "hobby" for me. I can understand where she's coming from, where you go through life doing certain shit in a certain order (college, marriage, job, children, DIVORCE, REMARRIAGE, retirement, etc.) because THAT'S JUST WHAT PEOPLE DO, or more accurately, because you're TOO GODDAMN SCARED TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, but I thought I'd gotten through to her that I AM NOT PEOPLE. I AM KRISTINA. I DO THINGS KRISTINA'S WAY, NOT "PEOPLE'S" WAY. IF I DON'T, THEN THERE IS NO POINT TO MY EXISTENCE, IS THERE? And I've been living what I feel is a completely poinless existence the past few years. Seriously, my life has been WITHOUT POINT, and I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I mean that in a way that says it's now or never, time to make a change. So I am attempting to rectify that and create something out of my life that I can be PROUD of. IT'S NOT A MOTHERFUCKING HOBBY. Yes, I am blogging on mother's day about my major, major issues with my mother. That's all I have to say about that, except that if anyone can tell me how, without estranging yourself from your family, to NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR MOTHER THINKS EVEN WHILE SHE'S TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE THINKS, please let me know. I'm 30 FRICKING years old and she still can do way more than just annoy me. I've done it before and I'll do it again: if I can't talk to her about my life, and talking to her makes me feel bad about myself every time, then I will extricate myself from that negative situation and no longer talk to her. Just because she says it with a smile doesn't mean she doesn't intend to passive-aggressively inflict her shit on me. HOBBY. FUCK YOU. Wow. That's it. I am going to hell, right now, today.

DAMN, was that an ashcan rant. I'm not even the least bit drunk. What a weird entry. Go to bed. I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep in the past two nights put together.

Eyyyyyyyyyedrropppppps

2007-05-09T19:18:00.000-05:00

I just got my eyes checked and they gave me those drops that dilate them. Ick. I can't see and I have a headache.

Sweet sweet sweetness of the total sweetie sweetarama sweetmeisters. That's all I have to say. About the fact that I've gotten ABOUT A BAZILLION responses to my blitzkrieg of e-mails to film people on Sunday. OK, I think I've gotten 4 responses. One actual job (unpaid -- OK, I'll TELL you if it's paid, otherwise assume not, for now) at the Mpls. cable access channel Friday night, and probably/for sure a job on Sat.

See, two of the respondents are actually working on the same thing, so either I'll PA or something (for the 2nd AD, who called me first) OR I'll grip for THE BIGGEST KEY GRIP IN TOWN (as he was advertised to me -- I'm assuming big in respect and getting-of-jobs, etc., more than being some kind of giant man, but whatever), who called me to see if I could work for him on Sat., and it turned out to be the same shoot I'm already in communication with the other gentleman about. :D It's a horror movie! (I won't tell you about my idea for a horror movie that I want to make some day in case someone is reading this and steals my thunder, but I have a location. No plot, script, financing, cast or crew. But a location.)

The Sat. thing is not FOR SURE in that they may be doing overnights (it's a HORROR MOVIE), and I MUST go to my mom's for mother's day (she said I could take this job if I felt I needed to, but I don't think I could deal with the mom guilt for the rest of my life... She is NOT into my freelancing endeavors). But then I realized, hey, my 26-year-old brother just got his driver's permit (to be fair, he did have one at 15), SO... I might end up working all night, get us out of the city and pointed in the direction of "home," then make him drive the rest of the way as I hallucinate and doze off. I will probably be unattractive and spacey (and quite possibly stinky) for mother's day, but at least I'll be there. Take THAT, mom!

So I'm calling Saturday a for-sure job right now.

Wootwootwoot. I don't know when I turned into a l33t nerdo, but woot, I say. Huh-WOOT.

I am NOT a nerd...

2007-05-07T00:10:00.000-05:00

...but...

ROFLMAO!

I fell down.

2007-05-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

In floorball.
It hurts.

This is just me trying some internets out

2007-05-04T17:39:00.000-05:00

OK. What I'm trying to do is make a picture into a linke to a web site.

Innebandy

2007-05-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

Would you like to see some professional Swedish floorball action?

Go Pixbo!

(Or if that doesn't work, go to svt.se, which is Swedish TV only backward, find the link for "sport" -- when you click it, you gotta say SCHPORT! -- then the dropdown that I think says ALLESPORTE or something that looks like "all sports," then find INNEBANDY and just try to guess which yerdyyardahurty thing is real footage. WOOT!)

Killer Death Hockey from Hell

2007-05-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I just realized S. linked to me from her site. (OK, S, I have to agree with you -- you have too much internetty stuff going on and I keep forgetting some of them exist! But I'm probably just jealous because the internets don't hate you like they hate me.) And she said something about my writings covering the underbelly of Mpls. filmmaking, street hockey and cat farts.

Nothing to report on #3, thank god.

Filmmaking? GodDAMN it, the director I last worked with just told me to add him to my myspace, when I asked him if I can work on his next project. NOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooooO! I hate myspace! So very much! But perhaps it's time to scrap the rantings I started there and start over with something I actually want the general world to see. UGH. But if it can get me jobs... ... ... I'm going to have to sleep on that one.

But I haven't really updated with the whole floor hockey thing! It's great. Last week my friend from work who also starts with an S came, and that was nice for several reasons: not being the only girl and having a friend I know a little better were really nice. We MIGHT get some more girls this Sat. (but S won't be there). I do feel brave, though -- there have been other potential female players who simply will not play if they're the only girl. I guess one showed up last Sat. when I wasn't there and refused to play. Come on, ladies! Let's not let them think we're THAT way.

However, after last night, I can't blame any of the ladies too much for being girl weenies. All I can say is OWIE. I got so beat up! Guys, we girls did not grow up pounding on each other for fun and recreation, and we certainly do not wrestle with each other now, or whatever you people do. I'm trying really hard to be tough shit here, but STOP HITTING ME!

OK, I admit: I'm kind of OK with it. Because if they're gonna hit me, man, I'm gonna HIT BACK. And let me tell you, I have thirty years of pent-up anger toward men... Not to be a feminazi (ha), but I've defintely been on the shit end of the deal for a while now. So watch out, boys, the gloves ar coming OFF! HAAHAhAHahahahahahaaaaaa.

But. I feel like shit today. I usually only get slightly sore muscles, but I have injury-related pains in my right shin (I got hit HARD by a stick when one guy tackled -- I didn't know there was tackling in hockey! -- another and I got in the way; it turned into a dark bruise within seconds, then a large welt, and oh, it hurt to run), my left wrist and hand, right shoulder, left knee, and one elbow was hurting earlier. Oh, and I got jarred so hard on one hit I kind of snapped my jaw shut, so that's a little achy too. And I'm really tired because I always end up staying up too late on hockey nights (start at 7, 2 hrs of hockey, another 2 hours at the bar, 20-min. drive home, feed the cats, shower, then I have to let my hair dry at least halfway, and suddenly it's past 1 am). So I feel pretty crappy today. But I'm excited to play again on Saturday! It'll be outside, which for some reason gets less rough (not as enclosed as the gym), but I still intend to kick some ass.

I'm not sure what got into everyone. Just to be clear, they were attacking each other more than usual too -- it wasn't just "everyone go after the poor chick" night. My calendar says today is a full moon...?

OH, and on Saturday, if there are enough people around to keep an eye on it, I'm bringing my camera and taking pictures so we can start our own floorball web site! We might need a team name now, at least to name our site after... I'll let you know if we get that going -- maybe I'll start it up as a blog, since I know how to do one now. Becuz, I know one of the internets, sort of! Ha, and I just realized that *I* will not be on the site if it's my camera! Bwaaahahahaha. It's like driving a stick -- use equipment other people don't know how to operate so you can control the device at all times! (OK, I don't think we have any DP's here, but some of them gotta know how to operate a camera...) I'll have to update on Sunday if I can still move.

Creep City, the Pictures

2007-05-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

This is the thing I saw before I saw the cave, when I could smell the torch but didn't see it yet. This looked really cool in real life, but there was no way to get far enough away from it to really get the brick arch all in the frame without having too many trees in the way. (This is a bit overexposed too, so it needs a little work. Hard to see anything anyway. That's a brick wall inside that dark hole area.) It's not really a cave, just a hollowed-out area.

This one also needs some exposure adjustment if I ever get un-lazy enough. Anyway, this is the cave opening I came upon with the smoldering torch. After the boy and girl walked down the hill and only the boy came back up... It really was an eerie feeling place, but that couldn't be because the sky clouded over and the caves have so much lore... ;) Oh, for scale, I'd say the opening is roughly waist-to-shoulder height? Although in the blowup you can see a cigarette pack that looks really big... I remember wondering if one could squeeze between the boards/i-beams to get into the cave, though.

When you turn around (and walk downhill a little bit?), this is the view. Bear in mind, this is just across the river from almost-downtown St. Paul. I love urban hiking! And it helps with the creepy ambience when you suddenly find yourself in the middle of nowhere when you know you're right in the city.

This is the creeeeepy-ass road I came to when I continued down the trail. I actually did follow it until I saw a truck parked at the other end, which was what finally scared me enough to go back the way I came (maybe real people do scare me more than ghost ones...). I don't know what part of Lillydale park is supposed to be haunted, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is it. It's so quiet and solitary...

Creepy sky too. I love it when the sun can't decide if it's out or not -- way creepier than just overcast, because it feels like it should be sunny, but things still look dark and grey.

Anyway, no ghosts in the pictures as far as I can tell. Of course, these are probably too small for you to find anything, but trust me -- no ghosts. The internet hates me, I think that's been firmly established, so these pictures are the best I can do for now.

2007-05-01T18:21:00.000-05:00

Kind of hard to tell when this size, but a small waterfall

Brick.

Tree.

Mississippi River Bridge No. 15

I like this one. I don't know what this is, it's like moss and a hedgehog had a baby

Moose Youth RVs Ahsiks? I can get on board with the first three, but I don't know about that last bit.

Thats tiny Minneapolis in the distance

2007-04-29T20:31:00.001-05:00

2007-04-29T20:28:00.000-05:00

ha, now I shall go crazy with the pictures

2007-04-29T19:16:00.001-05:00

Last try >:(

2007-04-29T19:12:00.000-05:00

pix -- WILL THIS WORK?

2007-04-29T19:10:00.000-05:00

[IMG]http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w127/ashcan-rantings/0077073-R1-041-19.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w127/ashcan-rantings/0077073-R1-015-6.jpg[/IMG]

Where did you come from?

2007-04-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

During my frequent long walks, I have a lot of time to think deep thoughts. Here is Friday's:

I was walking along thinking, I can walk till I drop dead, and I will still have a butt. It's not as big as it once was, but I feel like it's disproportionate. And I got to thinking, where the hell did this come from? I can't think of a single person I'm related to by blood with a butt. Well, no, I had a male cousin who got a little chubby for a while, and I think for a guy he sort of had a butt. Not really, but for a guy... Maybe it's because I don't have as many female blood relatives? My parents and grandparents have NO butts. My one blood aunt has struggled with her weight, but as far as I remember, like my grandma (her mother), she tends to gain weight around the middle and have a flat butt. (I've never spent so much time, or any time that I remember, trying to visualize my family memebers' butts...) I do have overweight relatives, just no one with butt issues.

In fact, that goes a step further. The two main body types/weight gain areas are the apple shape (large around the stomach) and the pear shape (larger below the wast). I guess I'm the latter (although I just get big all over -- but despite my exercise being mostly leg-focused, my top half slimmed down the easiest). No one I'm related to has this body type. I find that weird.

Maybe on my next walk I'll figure out where my butt came from. Better yet, maybe I'll figure out where it's going and how to make it leave.

Why I Don't Go to Movies in Theaters Very Often

2007-04-24T19:44:00.000-05:00

There are two main types of theatergoing movie viewers.

The first I'll call the Blockbusters. They're impressed with anything big (explosions, music, sinking boats) and famous people. That in iteslf doesn't bother me -- I can dig Hollywood movies. They're also the types who talk and make all manner of noises, especially during quiet scenes. Unfortunately, I've had close friends and family members of this persuasion, but damn, it drives me crazy. They ask what just happened, GASP in shock every time anything remotely unexpected happens (one friend didn't realize until someone glared at her that she spent most of a suspenseful movie whisper-yelling "fuck! Fuck!" in terror). Or much worse, they do these things when they merely ASSUME something bad is about to happen. When it doesn't, thanks, Blockbuster, you've just made whatever did happen an anticlimax. Even if I want to ignore you, the throaty, panicked, inhaled "gughghgh!" sound you make automatically puts me on guard. They tend to eat more loudly than the average German Shepherd (sometimes they "drink" their popcorn by upending the container and shaking it down the gullet, producing a lovely "SHT SHT SHT" sound -- until, finally engorged, they throw the container on the floor to bounce/roll down 12 rows. If your hands are too dirty to eat out of, WASH THEM. Ew.)

The second category, actually far worse, is what I will call the Artsy-Fartsies. These can be primarily identified by their hearty, knowing, often indulgent laughs. The worst of these, when watching an arthouse-type film, will laugh at ANYTHING. The more obscure the film (in subject, style or fame), the more they laugh. At everything. If there's a closeup of someone's face, they laugh. If there's a fast cut between two scenes, they laugh. If anything remotely unexpected happens, they laugh. If someone collapses, they laugh -- until they figure out the character just dropped dead of a previously undetected, particularly deadly form of cancer, and the rest of the characters are left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Then they sometimes stop laughing. Unless something funny happens.

Yesterday I saw an unusual film at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival (or, as I think they call it now, the International Minneapolis-St. Paul Film Festival -- I guess MSPIFF was harder to remember than IMSPFF). It was sort of science fictiony, but not necessarily sci-fi (the world it was set in was somewhat different from our own, but there only a few details that were really not possible in our current reality. Whatever, I'm no sci-fi expert). I wasn't expecting it to be a comedy, and after watching it last night and listening to people belly-laugh the entire way through it, I have NO IDEA if it was a disturbing view of a shallow, dead society not so very unlike our own, or a screwball comedy about a man stuck in a crazy-goofy town full of nutty folks. I think if I had watched it by myself I would have found it quirky, outright humorous at times, but overall more puzzling, thought-provoking and just odd. Maybe one or two laugh-out-loud moments.

At one point the main character is following a mysterious man home. Of course, the audience was in fits of uproars because the man he was following was wearing wingtip shoes, and that's all we ever see close up. He goes into a building, and our hero stands outside, staring at the blank facade (ha, look at the closeup of his face!). Suddenly, a light in the basement level flares on. AND THEY LAUGHED. Oh my, the quirky cleverness of it all!

Of course, there are other small groups. The Snorers. The Latecomers. The Walkouts (really sensitive hippie Artsy-Fartsies who didn't actually read the description of the film that called it things like "disturbing," "violent," or even "sexual"). The Fidgeters, who shake entire rows of seats with their constant heavings.

And then there's me. I sit still (within reason; legs do fall asleep), quietly enjoying what's on the screen before me. I arrive on time and use the bathroom before the show starts. If I'm too tired to sit through a movie, I stay home. I eat before I come to the theater, or specifically pick foods that don't make too much noise. If I miss something, I silently chide myself to pay attention and assume I'll figure out what happened. If something startles me, I keep it to myself. If something is funny, I'll chuckle, but I don't feel the need to project my appreciation to those sitting 20 rows in front of me. I turn my phone off before I walk into the building, to make sure I don't forget.

Damn it, I'm not a perfect person. But I'm damn near a perfect moviegoer. (My main faults are height and poofiness of hair. I cannot help this, but I can understand the frustration you people behind me must feel. Which is why I go to all possible lengths to avoid sitting in front of anyone.) There is nothing that pisses me off more than paying $7-$9 to see a movie on the big screen and have to listen to other people's tiny dramas the entire time. SHUT THE HELL UP!

Thank you.

Creep City, Part Two

2007-04-15T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today I went for a looooong hike, and I've decided to make a habit of it. My three goals, which I've been trying to fit into some cute name or other, are EXploration, EXercise, and, um, PHotography. I think this will be my new hobby/way to keep myself out of trouble. Unfortunately, the photography part still costs money, otherwise it would also be a great way to spend my time without spending money (I'm hoping I can get my negs processed and put on CD only for not too much). It doesn't take long to shoot through a whole roll of film -- I figure I can do 1.5-2 rolls per trip if I'm not careful.

Today, among other places, I went back to where I was yesterday, more or less, but I started at the bottom instead of the top of the bluff. I found more "caves," if you can call them that -- hollowed-out areas maybe 8-10' deep, not interesting at all. But I found the other approach at least, and now I know that the possible entrance I found yesterday is pretty inaccessible by automobile, hence safe to enter... But I still need to go back with others! I'm hoping my brother will go. Did I mention I researched Lillydale Park after yesterday and found out it's supposed to be haunted? Glad I didn't know that then -- I didn't go very far up that way today.

I found another non-scary cool place. There's this gully sort of area that my lovely scenic road (hwy. 13, which I think is aka Lillydale road) overpasses, which I've wished before I could stop and look at. Well, I got all the way up there (higher than my house) from the bottom, much of the way off trail, to find a nice little waterfall. It was about a 2 hour hike, and I ran out of film early on, so I was actually moving at as fast a pace as the terrain would allow most of that time. It's so rewarding to venture off the path and find something unexpected! I should clarify that I wouldn't have gone all the way to the falls if I hadn't passed some people coming from it who told me about it. But I learned a vaulable lesson: always follow creeks uphill. I should also clarify that after a couple minutes at the fall I looked up the other direction and saw several condos overlooking me >:P That sucked, but I tried to ignore them, and hoped they were ignoring me.

I also realized something about myself: I love to be alone. I do love to spend time with my friends and family, but walking alone today, I realized I didn't want anyone with me and wouldn't have had nearly as much fun if I had. I love the prospect of a whole weekend to myself. If I didn't feel social pressures (not wanting to look like a freaky loner loser), I would probably isolate myself completely. Which isn't a good thing, and it's not that I don't like my friends, it's just a conscious effort to make the move to get together with them on my part. Which is why I've been making more of an effort to make and keep new friends. But it's interesting. I've known people -- my ex-roommate and friends of his, for example -- who simply cannot be alone. They'll spend time with someone they don't really care for (i.e. me) before they'll spend an afternoon by themselves. They've openly admitted that and clearly think I'm weird when I want to be alone. That's so far from me it's hard to understand -- I've realized how much more contented and myself I am when I live alone than when I'm around people all the time, enough that I think that in iteslf should be considered prescription medication, and my insurance shouldreally help support my solitary living. At least give me the price of Prozac to apply toward my monthly rent.

Of course, all this isn't to say that I don't get lonely, or that I've never found myself wanting to go out and depressed because no one was around, or that I don't mean it when I do want to get together with my friends. But sometimes I notice that they're the ones who call me more often, and it's just contentedness with the status quo on my part, not an affront to them.

Oh, I still like my cats. And the only people I could think of having with me on my hike who would have improved my lovely afternoon were Scout and Bella, my two favorite dogs. I'm thinking of seeing if I can borrow one of them next time.

Creep city

2007-04-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

I went for a photo-taking walk today and found out I live in walking distance of the caves of St. P., which was cool but creepy (stumbling upon them unexpectedly). I'll put pictures up eventually, but I doubt they'll be too interesting. But this was one of those creepy things that I'm sure has a totally boring explanation: there was a young (teenage?) couple walking ahead of me on the gravel path that I didn't know yet led down to one cave entrance. They walked down just ahead of me, and just a couple of minutes later, I saw the boy walk back up, but not the girl. Weird, but whatever. Then I found a cave entrance, and this other brick arch thing that I checked out first. I was taking pictures and kept smelling this odd burning smell that was more like incence (what I imagine church incense smelling like, anyway -- not nag champa or anything). I made my way over to the actual cave opening (I should clarify that it was sort of barred over -- not sure if the pictures will show it, but I was too creeped out to get too close -- but borderline as far as being able to sneak in), I realized there was a large smoldering torch that was giving off the odor, leaning against the entrance and just smoking away.

Boring explanation: Most likely, they met down there (I'm 99% sure that area is accessible from the bottom as well as the way I came) to have sex or whatever kids do and were wandering up and back down the trail when I saw them. She probably left from the bottom and he was walking back up. They were probably in the cave, using the torch for light, and left it half-extinguished outside the entrance. It was probably made of a shrub that smells sweeter than most wood (we had some lilac branches to burn at my last place which smelled lovely).

But it was creepy! I was all alone in the woods! People have died in those caves! The sun went behind a cloud!

So that's my super-lame scary ghost story. Walking along the path, I found several smaller openings that looked straight into larger caverns, and possibly one larger entrance, but I was too scared to look too closely this trip. Maybe someday I'll bring someone with me (need to tell my brother about the entrances for sure) and actually be able to investigate these caves. It's been a dream of mine for years (http://www.actionsquad.org/underground.html), but no way I'm going IN by myself, since I can barely get close to the entrances!

BBLLWWWAAAAAHHHH

2007-04-07T19:02:00.000-05:00

That is the sound of puking, which I did NOT actually do, but it was a close one. Let's just say... Oh hell, I had the shits, man. No reason to lie. I think I got me some food poisoning. But it would be a mild case, luckily (I've had it before and puked for 12 hours straight). Still, I opted not to drive 5 hours through some LONG stretches without bathrooms to grandma's for Easter. :( So I'm spending Easter alone, SOB! (That's sort of a joke, as I've always considered Easter the most annoying and pointless of holidays. I think it's mostly because of the pastels. And if you don't get a day off work, it ain't a holiday.) I do like the Cadbury eggs, so I'll be eating one of those tomorrow, in honor of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior and all.

So I took 2 days off work and have been sitting around my apartment for 3 days straight now and it's driving me crazy! At the same time, I just realized that in like 36 hours I'll have to get up for work! NOOOOOOOooooooo....

But on Monday night I'm getting my haircut! Now, unlike some, a haircut is not a bimonthly chore for me. It only happens once or twice a decade and is usually dramatic. I'm going to a curly-hair specialist, and the outcome will be either a) long hair that I can manage and wear down (right now I ALWAYS, and I mean 100% of the time, wear it in a ponytail), or b) SHORT hair. So it should be a big deal either way. I'm excited! I will TRY to get some pictures up here of my new skinny-ass short-haired self (or as the case may be). It's not easy for the likes of me, though. Analog girl in a digital world.

Oh, did I mention previously that I was going to play floor hockey with a bunch of film guys? Well, I did, it was fun (I SUCKED), and I've decided I'm going to keep playing. It's a much better workout than the treadmill. However, we went to the bar afterward and I had some beers -- canNOT do that every week or it will cancel out the effect of the workout. (BUT I had a salad, and everyone else had burgers.) And I think I have 2 more girls who want to come this week, so woohoo, will not be the only one! Although I only mind it in that I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm used to being around all guys, and they're not too annoying about it, mostly.

I do not know why I always feel like I can't say things because "people" might see them. As no one reads this. So I will also say as a side note that they're a good lookin' bunch for the most part. Probably mostly married, but that's OK, just lookin'. But then, I think everyone is good looking. Seriously! Or else I only have good-looking friends. Which of course is in the eye of the beholder, so I DO! Anyway.

I was talking to the one guy in this group who I knew from before a couple weeks ago, and suddenly I remembered this guy I went on ONE date with a long while back, but it felt more like a "briefly dated" sort of situation. We e-mailed a fair amount between there because it was xmas break (this was at the U, although he's MUCH older than me), and admitted "you're kinda cool, I, um, think you're cute," stuff like that. Anyway, this is a sad, pathetic saga that I won't get into too much, but he stood me up REPEATEDLY (had great excuses, though!) and then just fell off the face of the earth. Hmm... Not far enough along into any sort of relationship to have gotten to know me and realized I suck (as he hadn't SEEN me since he said I decidedly did not suck), but far enough that you owe someone an explanation.

Not a huge deal as far as him personally, but it really bothered me for a while -- I was convinced I was a freak and no one could stand me, plus I felt somehow like I had been suckered -- he pursued me, got me to start really liking him, then it was like, HA, just kidding, stupid ugly girl from high school who guys made fun of, of course I never liked you! I hate to give anyone this kind of power, but yes, it had a strong effect on me at the time, stronger than it should have because it was the culmination/adult manifestation of all the insecurities I had felt all my life.

Not really relevent, but MONTHS later he shows up where I then worked (hardware store). Awkward small talk. He later called back, begged me not to hang up on him, said he wanted to explain everything to me, could he call me back that night? I said sure (NO interest in "seeing" him, just in hearing what happened for some peace of mind), gave him my #, AND NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. What a winner. I'm not sure if I mean him or me.

Anyway, I completely FORGOT about this part: I met him in a film class, and he had just moved back here from CA where he worked in the film industry -- in lighting! Now, it's no coincidence I got into the same industry -- we met in a film class, and I always wanted to be in production, and he was the first person I met who was in it and could tell me how you do it, that you don't need to go to film school, etc. So I do credit him for planting that early idea, and that's the one good thing I still believe comes from every experience. But it is TOTALLY coincidental that I'm working in the exact same field! I sort of fell into it a few jobs in and liked it. Although I did more lighting in my theater days than a lot of things (esp. in high school), I never had a particular interest in pursuing it before.

Oh, so the tie-in to this guy I was talking to -- I casually asked him if he'd ever heard of this guy, and he said yeah, he knows him and has worked with him, sure, he's still in town! Apparently he's mostly into stage lighting now. But JEEZ, way to come full-circle! Anyway, I was thinking about that, and if I saw him now I don't think it would really be a big deal on my part -- this was like 5-6 years ago now, and I certainly don't have enough emotionally invested to hate him or care much at this point. But it is a little weird, and yes, I would have to fight off initial feelings of DRAMA if I did see him after all this time. Especially since (even though he nowhere near qualifies as an ex, it is the same kind of discomfort) I tend to keep my exes REAL far away, so I don't run into them, ever. (Except Joe, but that's another story I still haven't gone into).

Not sure what the moral of the story is, although I can now say that, whatever the hell was going on with that guy, even if it WAS a "ha ha ugly girl from high school, I was just PRETENDING I like you" thing (which I'm sure now it wasn't), IT DOESN'T MATTER. He probably has a small penis anyway. KIDDING, that doesn't matter either! But it makes my point -- I'm sure he had some upheaval or mental illness or moral dilemma or something going on and it had nothing to do with me, and I was all torn up about some ungrounded dude's issues for no reason. (Um, he had just gotten divorced, perhaps I should mention. COULD've had something to do with it...)

The moral is also that it's a small world, so don't fuck with people, because you might run into them socially or professionally 6 years later and feel like a DICK. >:)

Well. Ayup. Mmm-hmm. Snort.

2007-04-02T22:03:00.000-05:00

I have nothing new to say...

I just felt like it was time to add something, but nothing has really changed recently. Oh, except that I get to stay in my apartment, because if they don't break up (IF) and they do move out, they're planning to keep the house and rent out the downstairs. THANK GOD. So I bought a new piece of furniture ;) It makes my nook filled with crap into a nice, neat storage space, DAMMIT.

I got new shoes too, and they're so cool you wish you were me, plus they're unbelievably comfortable. Like, I took them off after walking 4.5 miles, and my feet were like, "noooo, put them back! They make us feel like we are ensconced in fluffy, sleeping kittens!" SERIOUSLY, people, after wearing them all day and to the gym, my feet were more comfortable with the shoes ON than OFF (usually as soon as I get home I can't get my shoes off fast enough).

Also this weekend I ate at a vegetarian Indian restaurant yesterday with K & S that was delish. My mom and stepdad came to visit Sat. and brought me the lovely new bookshelf s-dad made me for xmas and it's REALLY NICE. Way better than my sagging particleboard POS from Target. So that was my materialistic weekend. I suck... But... It was fun. Wow, this is even more inane than most of my postings. Ok, so like, buhbye!

Movies is fun!

2007-03-26T19:06:00.000-05:00

Worked all day Saturday and 1/2 day (or 3/4, depending on how you look at it) Sunday on a music video and it was AWESOME. I really liked the band (maybe you always do if you work with them? I have to say, musicians kick ass -- the 2 bands I've worked with have been just sweet and pleasant to work with and make you HAPPY to work for free to help with their video -- unlike a few actors I've worked with...). The band is Limbeck, check them out at http://www.myspace.com/limbeck and listen to Big Drag (currently their default song when you get there). I will reiterate -- they were a PLEASURE to work with, totally adorable and sweet guys who worked their asses off and stopped to say thank you when they didn't have TIME for such niceities because we were rolling! Please check their tour schedule too, as they are coming to the town of my one reader and I think you should go -- from what I could tell, they should be really good live. I'm hoping they'll be able to put the video online eventually, but they are on a label, so I don't know how that works (but you can find just about anything on youtube -- or could, until they became google and started getting sued...). I like the song. Actually, I should clarify -- we shot TWO videos, but the other song isn't up there and -- I hope no one sees this and hates me -- the concept just didn't do as much for me. But I am very excited to see both.

Funny: I got the call sheet on Friday afternoon finally, and I was listed as Electrical (job title). Um, that could mean plugging crap in, but I had to ASK what all that entails, being pretty sure it was not a job I should have. It means running a generator if you have on (we didn't), metering I don't know what for power, dealing with blowouts, changing lamps (bulbs), etc. Um. Yeah, I didn't do that. They actually had an electrical problem with the house we were shooting in, and we joked that I better go fix it. We very funny, you know.

I got to do a bunch of radom grippy/PA-y stuff that day, and it was all fun. The key grip was great and hopefully another new contact I can work with more. He got my card before we left. Sweet. This one was more memorable because there was a TON going on and the video is going to be realy cool. The whole thing is in 2 long takes (which will reportedly be edited to look like 1), with the singer walking around, singing his song, and weird things going on around him, kind of a party/circus atmosphere. There are 360 degree turns and all kinds of quick changes -- he walks out and the band is playing at one side of the yard. The camera turns to another guy very briefly, and comes back to the entire band now on dollies rolling across the yard. The camera follows the singer into the street, where he's suddenly joined by the band playing different instruments. There are people all around doing all kinds of things and NO CREW popping into the frame ;) Done all handheld. I saw some of it on the monitor and it looked great.

Sunday was my Big Day, though. I was the dolly grip! You don't understand the implications of this situation, so I will explain it to you. We shot on 35mm. I have never done a damn thing on 35, probably because no one uses it except frigging Hollywood (that might be a slight exaggeration, but I'm not even sure). I can't find it just now, but I once saw a comparative cost estimate per minute of video, 16mm & 35mm, and it costs exponentially more. Only 2 other things I've done have even used 16 -- a lot is going to video now. So we have THREE ROLLS of film at less than 4 min each. The song is longer than each roll, so they have to stagger it. There is ONE TAKE per shot (OK, I'm not 100% with the terminology yet -- you set up, practice your ass off, do ONE TAKE, and that's it, then you set up the next thing you're going to film).

We were shooting in a bar, with the dolly behind the bar and the band sitting at the bar. OH, perhaps I should explain that a dolly is a truck thingy that, in this case, carries the camera and operator back and forth so the camera can pan across a certain space. It has a handle thing to push/pull it which is this case was NOT RIGID (makes it harder not to jerk when you start and stop). It can be on a set track or just wheels so you roll around. There wasn't enough room for track behind the bar (if you need a full description of how much more it sucks running a dolly without track than with, I can tell you, beause I've done each once now). We also didn't have quite the proper flooring, called dance floor, which I would imagine is pretty thick and I know is very smooth. We used 1/4" luan, the flimsiest crap known to man ;) (I don't know if it's ever used in any sort of real construction -- I would guess mostly temporary set walls? I suppose it's plywood, as it is in plies, but it's floppy, man) So we had that flimsy stuff on a 100 year old floor (my est.) with uneven rubber matting under it and a NOTICEABLE indentation toward one end. And I had to push this thing back and forth for almost 4 minutes and be TOTALLY SMOOTH THE WHOLE TIME OR THE MOST EXPENSIVE SHOT I'VE EVER WORKED ON WOULD BE RUNIED. Oh my god! I think I did OK. People told me I did OK. I'm still freaked out. But don't get me wrong, it was the kind of freaked out that's fun and exciting while also making you pee your pants ;)

Anyway, that's about it. Worked with a couple other people I worked with before, met a few new people I hope I get to work with more, maybe even made a new friend... (Shout out to Amy, CIA agent, in case we ever are friends and she reads this ;) ). Good times.

I also learned that if I am EVER in a position to specialize (ha), I want to do music videos as much as possible. I mean, I like features and shorts and would gladly take money to do commercials and anything else (yes, even reality TV, probably), but my favorite so far is definitely music videos. I'm going to keep bugging this director too, because he does a lot of them, and as the guy who referred me to him said -- and I agree from what I know -- he seems to be really up-and-coming.

So there's my ashcan rave -- it's so good to have a REALLY good film experience once or twice a year to remind me, THIS is why I'm doing this! Not that I ever really doubt why I am, but the really good experiences make it clear that I have to do whatever it takes to do this for a living, so I can actually wake up at 6 and say, godDAMN, it's early -- but I'm makin' a VIDEO today!

I want stuff

2007-03-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

So I'm torn between my own petty materialism and my dreams of freelancing in the world of filmmaking. I gots a weakness for stuff. Not fancy stuff. Primarily used cheap furniture that I can paint or refinish, things like that. I'm really into making my home a nice place of my own design that's pleasant for me to live in. I wish I was just a gutterpunk to whom a chair is nothing but a sitting utensil, and if it's comfy at all that's just bonus. But noooo, I want a cute chair :( I blame my mother.

It all started (woobly-woop, woobly-woop) last week when my landlord, who lives downstairs, told me that his girlfriend is allergic to me living here now that I have 2 cats. 1 was OK, but 2 is not now. (After they approved me getting 2nd cat, and I am the kind of person who WILL NOT give the cat back for my own convenience, so that means all 3 of us are packing up our toys and gettin' the hell out, which I told him.) However, he said I am not kicked out yet, because things aren't going that well with them, and, well, they could break up any minute. (Oh yes, I hear the fighting.) So by fall either they will a) be broken up, so I can presumably stay, or b) be together forevah and buy a bigger house (it is dang small down there). Which leaves me... Looking around at apartments now, because by fall they're only going to get more scarce and more expensive and I'll be more desperate and then what? I'm sure they'll break up eventually, but I'm not sure they will by fall. They strike me as the masochistic types who will stay in a miserable relationship for years, making each other's lives hell.

Now, for the record, I am an evil bitch, because I would rather stay here, and I secretly hope they break up. I know... I'm BAD! I don't care about them, I just want my apartment! Or, you could say, I care about them and I SEE that they're UNHAPPY, and I just want them to be HAPPY! (Yeah, that one, sure.)

But I just found a place that is slightly less retardedly overpriced than most (hard to find ANYTHING in a 1-bd for less than $700 these days, but studios are mostly well over $500 -- and I must have my sleeping room able to be closed off from at least an equal-sized other room, because Neko pokes me in the head when I'm sleeping and I have to shut him out or I don't sleep!) It's technically a 2-bd (but one is supertiny -- office or workspace for me) for less than most 1-bds. It's in a weird area, but I think OK crime-wise (just not very residential except this small enclave of apt. buildings. More industrial, buildings with shipping docks and stuff. Nice coffee shops nearby, though, and a couple blocks from the film production/lab/rental/networking place I might join), and very centrally located to my current job and the metro area in general for freelancing. Very close to the main interstate that it takes me 10-15 min. to get to now. Basically, it's the only area I'm aware of that would work well both for where I work now AND the rest of the civilized, filmmaking metro (ahem, Minneapolis). BUT it's $615, which is a lot. But cheaper than any 1-bds I've found that aren't in the total ghetto. So I kind of want it. I'm going to just look at it next week.

However, it's really big -- living room, bedroom, dining room, 2nd bedroom thingy, kitchen, bathroom and balcony. I don't have that much stuff, I live in a studio! So I look on craigslist and I find all this cheap furniture I want. I have no immediate intention to live in this place, but I've got a dinette set, a patio set and a couch picked out! (All that for $155, however. I heart craigslist.) But $615 plus electricity plus internet (must have for freelancing) will be at least $675. Right now I pay $475 for all that! I'm fretting. Maybe I'll have some chocolate quick...

Ack, Neko has been staring at an invisible spot on the wall for like 10 minutes! Cats are creepy.

Damn, the chocolate didn't help. Now I just feel fat and fretty. But I do have the delicious taste of chocolate and creamy caramel in my mouth.

So if I kept this job I could afford that apt. no problem. But then of course I would die inside. I don't know when I'll be at the point where I can quit, however. I'm told I should break down and get roommates if I freelance. Well, cats are a monkey wrench there (no pun intended, as Neko is a monkey boy), as does my inherent hatred for people. Nooooo, I love people -- in smaller doses and when I KNOW I CAN ESCAPE AT ANY TIME. You lock me into a 12-month lease with some freakezoid and I canNOT be held responsible for my actions. No, truly, I jest, but it's about my mental wellbeing -- the times in my life when I've been the least happy, most depressed, most felt like I was waiting for my life to come along, because this day-to-day shit CANNOT be it, were when I lived with people. I need my space, BAD. And let's just say that I am no longer anything resembling friends with any of the 6 roommates I've had in my life. That's not even a coincidence, that's a direct causal relationship. If I'm around people too much, I stop liking them. Another reason I do not have a boyfriend.

(On a side note, I was thinking about past ones the other day and just wondering idly, what if? And the thought freaked the crap out of me. What if I was still with one of them now, say 5-10 years later? Holy shit, NO! There is no question in my mind that I would be miserable right now, and that I would NOT be pursuing my dreams in any fashion, even if it currently is a little weak. Misery does not love company -- you can get lonely at times when you're by yourself, but it's nothing like the hell of either loving someone who doesn't love you back enough, or discovering you don't love someone you thought you did or were supposed to -- or the even worse alternatives, finding out everything is a lie or realizing they were using you all along. UGH, my stomach turns just thinking about it.)

So what do I do now? I rant. Because what else is there?

I'll go look at the place... I've been wanting an apartment I could see myself staying in long-term. I'll never buy a house (yeah, commitment problems, anyone?), but I would like a place I feel like I'll stay with for a while, now that I'm an old adult-type person, plus moving sucks. I really want a room I can do art/craft crap in (hard to do with cats -- pawprints are not cute when they're permanent), and to me for some reason, the difference between an apartment and a home seems to be a dining room. Basically, this apartment is everything I've been wanting. So maybe it's fate.

GOD, someone in here's got gas, and it is not me. I can't tell which one it's coming from, but EW. Pew steenky boyz!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2007-03-18T03:19:00.000-05:00

I am not wearing green! But by now it's well after St. Patrick's anyway :D

I

WON

THE

CONEST!

I got $440!

More importantly, I lost 28 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fork rhymes with dork!

And finally, perhaps, I will stop talking about the stupid contest and losting effing weight :D

Fear and Loathing

2007-03-10T01:11:00.000-06:00

Not really, it was pretty standard and very fun. There were, however, a few trippy items: there was apparently a Santa Claus convention in our hotel (old men with long white beards and jolly bellies wearing conspicuously red clothes), and I found that the whatever street "experience" (starts with an F -- WHY can't I remember? Fremont?!) while extremely drunk just cannot be described. There were eyes on the ceiling (but we were outside...!), loud music, too many people... Oh, and of course Circus Circus is trippy, but it's a little obvious in its attempt. Also, although clearly based on it, I thought the casino in Fear and Loathing that Raoul Duke and his attorney go to while on an ether binge WAS Circus Circus. Imagine my disappointment to find that the acrobats were not performing bizarre acts directly overhead over a net above the casino floor, the rotating carousel bar in the middle turns so slowly it's almost imperceptible, and you do not walk through a crazy clown's mouth to enter the building. Drat.

Other than that, good times were had by all (well, I assume by all -- I had a good time). Very very tired now, and oh, look, I've wasted time until 1:22 am. But I get to sleep as late as I want tomorrow! As long as I go to the gym. Because I gained back some weight on the trip... And the contest is going to be closer than I thought...

One person is actually ahead of me by 2 percentage points (we're going off percent of original weight) which at this point (1 week left) would proably be impossible, BUT, he happens to be in Las Vegas right now, for longer than I was there, and he makes way more money than me, so he can eat buffets every day, AND he's reportedly a big eater. So it may be possible, but it's scary. If I can lose 3 lbs. in the next week, I might make it. I'm going to the gym every day and eating uberhealthy. The other closest person that I KNOW of is 1% behind me but has reportly given up and started eating bad food a lot. But she drove home 2 points -- she was already I think about 125 (and didn't need to lose weight, but did have a little teeny bit of chub, so fine, let her play) so you can't even tell by looking at her easily that she lost weight. So there may be other sneaky people. Plus the guy who's ahead of me works next door and no one knew he lost any weight (30 lbs. in addition to 20 he lost before the contest started, is the rumor), so who knows what other sneaky people are over there. Oh, point #2 is that life is fucking unfair. Miss 1% behind me hasn't eaten NEARLY as healthy as I have (I've seen her eat a TON of crap at work), and she plays down how much she works out, and she always ate a lot more than me, and she's thinner! So that sucks, but what are you gonna do.

ANYWAY, I'm just saying, I might not win. I'm trying to prep myself for that, since I was SO sure I was going to lose 30 lbs. and win hands-down. I'm still going to keep on the diet and everything after the contest, but I would REALLY like $440 for new clothes, etc. Sigh. I admit I'll be glad when I can stop obsessing about this!

But the good news is that since everyone at work went to the bar tonight and didn't invite me, at least they were all getting fat while I walked 6.5 miles after doing 20 min. on the eliptical.

:P

Still haven't heard anything from the job I applied for, so I'm going to start bugging them on Monday. And I need to call a DP I worked with at one time, who sounds like he's willing to give me some advice on going freelance if I don't get this job. I don't think I've mentioned it here, so if for posterity later I'm like, what job was that?, this is the Shop NBC full-time, permanent grip job. Not necessarily my artistic ideal, so when I was applying I was all relaxed, eh, I'll get it or I won't (and no idea how much it pays). But now I REALLY want it. So, much like the weight loss contest, I will probably NOT get it now. But I have to get out of this stupid job, so if this doesn't work, I HAVE to get my ass in gear on the freelancing thing.

So yeah, I turned 30. I've been a little crabby. Not necessarily crabbier than usual, but more than I should be after a fun vacation. The night that it hit midnight and became my b-day we were sitting on a crappy shuttle bus and were both VERY overtired from the Grand Canyon, and Joe was being a jerk, and I got very depressed. Then he tried to be nice and I hated him more. I was fine by morning, but I think the feelings are still there. I haven't really accomplished ANYFUCKINGTHING in life. But that's a rant for another day, or maybe never.

Oh, on a somewhat unrelated note, I don't know if I've mentioned to you, dear reader (and you know who you are, because you're the only one who reads this), but Neko's middle name is Stockton, which is the S. in Hunter S. Thompson. I just remembered that (because who thinks about their cat's middle name often?) because we were watching Fear and Loathing and Neko took great interest in it. He used to watch TV a lot, but not that much anymore. Mikey doesn't have a middle name yet, but when I think of something fitting he shall. But I wonder if, because I didn't name him Mikey, it might not be right to give him a middle name. ??? We'll see.

Also, I'm trying not to be all dramatic about it, but I had a weird thing happen. I got a mystery birthday wish on my work phone, saying, "if you want to know who this is, call this # back." So I did and got his voicemail, and let's say his name was Frank (which it isn't, that's the bunny rabbit in Donnie Darko), and I had no idea who the hell Frank was. Well, I finally figured out that it's FRANK, you know, Frank -- someone I used to work with (at the current job) whose birthday is a week after mine. How nice of him to remember! (Yet strange in that I didn't even think of him at first when I was racking my brain trying to think of ANY Frank I'd ever met.) Anyway, I have ALWAYS felt like he's trying to ask me out -- he calls me cutie or hottie all the time when he stops by work, always asks if I'm still single, just a lot of stuff. But I figured he was just nice (yes, it sounds smarmier here than it does when we're talking -- sort of). Well, this time he kept saying that he's been thinking about me a lot lately and how much it brightened his day to talk to me and stuff. I haven't seen the guy since at least June (because he changed jobs then and doesn't come into my work anymore) and only worked with him for a few months like 3 years ago. I have to admit, I had forgotten he existed. OH, so yeah, get to the point -- the reason this is weirding me out a bit is primarily because HE'S MARRIED. I mean, I don't think I'm interested anyway, but he is a nice guy, and the point is that it disgusts me that guys are like that! "Nice" ones, no less! I know, people have told me before how naive I am, thinking married people don't do that kind of thing... Anyway, I'm trying to make it a non-dilemma by assuming I won't talk to him for 6 months at a time and it won't matter. But it makes me feel somewhat icky.

Well, there's my long diatribe of the day. Diarrhea of the mind or something like that. Toodle-fucking-oo!

I'm so money and I don't even know it

2007-02-25T22:54:00.000-06:00

It's the late Sunday night, I-gotta-go-to-bed-but-I-slept-too-late-this-morning post.

So after all my pissing and moaning, I'm going to Las Vegas for a real vacation! Sweet. I will amend my earlier rant to clarify that I'm OK with the money I make now (just disturbed that it doesn't go farther), I'm just not prepared to start over making sheyat. And regardless of what I make, I deserve a raise. But I digress.

Anyway, Vegas, baby, Vegas! Very excited. Celebrating the big 3-0 and everything. Going to drive to the Grand Canyon and take a look at that too! Long drive for a short visit, but my traveling companion wants to go, and the GC is definitely on my top 10 places in the US to see before I die. So now I can die a little sooner.

God, my eating schedule is all messed up too -- I'm hungry, but it's 11, which is just too late to eat.

I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped in terms of shopping and/or working out before my trip
(oh, I hope this doesn't cause me to lose the fat contest), because we just got shat upon with snow. I don't think it ended up being anywhere near the 12-18" they predicted, but it's hard to tell looking out the window. I have not ventured out. But it's enough that note to self, I better get up early tomorrow to dig out so I make it to work on time. Or not, whatev.

Which leads me to the fact that I am at a minimum one reference verification away from applying for a real-live full-time permanent film job (well, no, it's TV). Not going into details right now, but along with everything else that's bad timing right now, this is as well (being that I'm going to submit it then leave for a vacation soon thereafter), but whatev to that too. It'll work it out if it's supposed to. I'm a little underqualified, not sure this is the type of work I want to do for the rest of my life, and I have no idea how much they pay -- which should mean my interview will go GREAT, since I'm not really dying to get the job. I mean, I am excited about it, but at the same time, part of me is sort of rolling my eyes -- OK, the small detail I will go into is that it's a home shopping channel type of thing. But at this point it's more about the experience and the people/working conditions. If those are good, I don't care what the content is so much.

Anyway, that's what I've been doing. Working on the res. and cov. let. I cannot tell you how much I HATE doing this crap, but this time it wasn't as painful. I wasn't pretending I really want some shitty job that I don't want, worrying that the desperation to get out of my current job is showing. I actually wrote a real, heartfelt letter explaining my real feelings about how I'd truly like the job. That's a new one. I do think I need to study up before the interview -- with my sporadic work, even the stuff I do know needs to be refreshed. I can set up several different kinds of lights with no problem, but I can't remember what they're called. (It does NOT help that they're all called "minis," "babies," "baby babies," etc. Extension cords are stingers. Clothes pins are C37's or something like that. It's a little ridic.)

Shit, I'm so freaking out of it, I just heard on the BBC radio (via NPR) that Martin Scorsese just won an Oscar for some movie I haven't even heard of. Go Martin.

So goodbye, all my fans who read this religiously (HAHAHAHAHAHA). I will probably not be blogging for the next 2 weeks. Since I have to work my ass off, literally, at the gym, and pack and all that crap. Woohoo! Speaking of working my ass off, I just have to add my newest thing. I was trying on my skinny clothes and seeing how I looked. Since my upper body seems to have lost more weight than my lower (and I was worried it would be the other way around because I've been doing mostly just elliptical and treadmill!), I feel more conscious of the fatness of my ass than I was before, when it was twice as big. Because my top half was also fat, and I didn't look at myself that closely. Anyway, it's weird to be both excited about losing weight and more critical of the size of one's ass than ever all at the same time. On that note, buhbye!

I'm sick now

2007-02-18T19:28:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it was my walk outside, my choice to sit in a movie theater full of god knows how many sick people (I don't go to movies at theaters very often -- weird for a film geek, I know -- but it's more because of the cost and the fact that the public ANNOYS me than germophobia...), or the fact that I had a couple drinks last night, but damn, I don't feel well. What's funny is I was just telling my friend last night that I thank exercising and eating well for the fact that I haven't been sick in Jan/Feb (usually I'm sick ALL of Jan/Feb), and about 10 hours after I said that, I was laid up. I'm using nasal spray from my last sinus infection in hopes that it doesn't turn into another one. I didn't work out, clean my apartment or do laundry today :( And I'm hungry and have nothing to eat that doesn't involve work. I want to sleep.

It did give me time to lie in bed and research my possible 30th birthday vacation my friend and I decided we should take last night (he was complaining that he has too much money and time off and nothing to do with it -- sometimes I want to smack that kid). Either taking the Amtrak to Chicago or possibly flying to Las Vegas, although the Vegas deals I saw were pretty high for me. Looks like it'll be at least $450 each for airfare, hotel and rental car. :( Looks like we might be able to do Chicago for $200 (train & hotel), but we'll see if that deal is too good to be true. If not, it'll probably be closer to $300. This is what I'm talking about! I can't afford to stay in hotels. Chicago would probably be better also because it would be a shorter trip, so less money spent on other things. 2 nights, probably enough time for the Shedd Aquarium and the modern art museum (I've never been there and LOVE the Art Institute, but J. says the modern one is really nice). And maybe one night eating good food and drinking out (my b-day), one night eating Subway or a pizza & drinking in the room. Too bad J. is a boy -- 2 beds costs a lot more and totally rules out a lot of hotels, but it just wouldn't work out to share... But that's a story for another time. Or not.

Oh, it's not so bad

2007-02-17T14:13:00.000-06:00

OK, so obviously among other things, I'm susceptible to the winter blues, seasonal affective disorder, whatever you want to call it. It's been crappy here for a long time -- below-zero temperatures, overcast, bleah. Today it's sunny and they just announced on the radio that it's 24 degrees, which by any other standards is cold, but it's warm enough for me to go for a walk and absorb some vitamin E or whatever. Sun is good.

So I slept until about 10:30, puttered around for a little while, walked up to the coffee shop and read the City Pages while I drank my Americano, then went across the street to the antique shop (I love those places), then I decided the weather was good enough for a relatively long walk. I made it all the way to the river, which is about a mile away. I wasn't sure if I'd make it at first, because the wind was in my face, but once I got going, I didn't want to stop. I was thinking a lot about where I live. Minnesota, St. Paul, the West Side (si-eed), my apartment... I really like it here.

The weather here is... interesting. Contrary to the belief recently expressed to me by someone in Dallas, it's not cold here year-round. In fact, it gets very hot in the summer. When Goatmaiden visited me last summer around the 4th of July, it was mid-90s. We had several days over 100 last summer. Then a couple weeks ago we didn't go above 0 for like 86 hours straight. We've barely broken 10 in 2 weeks. I don't like extremes (I'm almost always too hot or too cold), but for some reason I still dig it here. I'm sort of smug, and some of it comes from traveling around the US and talking to people all over the country in the course of my job -- we're a unique breed here in MN, the Twin Cities having the most extreme temperatures of any major US city. For some reason we still love it here, and I think because of it we have different values than, say, Southern California. Fashion, while not nonexistent here, isn't a huge deal, beacuse half the year you're covered in coats, hats, scarves. We've got a thriving arts community -- maybe because in these long winter months we have a lot of time to stay inside and create. For those who care (I don't), we have professional teams in every sport. Many great colleges and universities. Etc. And it's really beautiful. I love the Mississippi river, which borders both downtowns. Except my year in Massachusetts, I don't think I've ever lived much more than a mile from the river. And I don't think I'd ever want to.

I was thinking about the river today, looking across at downtown St. Paul. It's such a pretty little city, much more historic than Minneapolis (where most of downtown was torn down and rebuilt in the '70s). There's been a recent trend of condos taking over a lot of riverside real estate, which of course I'm not a huge fan of. But I was thinking today that at one time, only rich people in old mansions (or no one, in the case of the downtown side of the river) had a view of the Mississippi. Now at least more people with slightly less money get the views. (I'll never be able to afford one of those condos, and I'm sure they're still quite expensive). And some of them aren't that bad looking. There's one complex right across from where I was standing, though, that should be blown up -- WHY do they paint them in Miami colors? Bright yellow and orange just aren't St. Paul. But... que sera sera.

I really like this neighborhood. West St. Paul is an area that a lot of people don't even know exists. It's the called the west side because it's the "west" side of the river, but because the river ain't straight, it's actually directly south of downtown. Which is pleasantly nonsensical. It's not upscale, it's just a nice working-class place. Very liberal ("wage peace" signs in windows, etc.). Small, nice, old houses. And very little crime. I used to live in north Minneapolis, which is the worst neighborhood in the TC area. My car and house were broken into, someone was shot practically in front of our house, there was a rash of muggings for several months before I left...

The last night I slept there, I was moving stuff to my new place late into the evening. I got home around midnight and there was a large van parked across the street from where I parked that did not belong there -- and it was running, with a guy sitting behind the wheel. I had to walk a little way down a dark alley to my house, and the recent crime rash involved people jumping out of cars, mugging people and/or stealing their cars, and/or kidnapping them (I'm not sure if the last one actually ever happened), especially in dark alleys. I was NOT getting out of my car, so after driving around for about 45 minutes and checking back several times to find the van still there and running, I called 911 for the first and hopefully last time in my life. I felt kind of stupid, but I was tired, I had to pee really bad, and I was so terrified to get out of my car I was in tears.

I never even felt very safe walking around the neighborhood in broad daylight. So west St. Paul was a much needed change. It's also not trendy to live here here, which is fine with me and adds up to some of the most affordable rent you can get in the metro area with almost no fear of crime. It's kind of far from any social life (Uptown, downtown Mpls., etc.), but at least it's close to where I work.

I haven't found anywhere I'd rather live. I loved California (we drove from San Francisco to San Diego, stopping in LA, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur, and places between, so I saw quite a bit of the state), Honolulu, New York, Boston, New Orleans, Portland, even Cleveland (more than Portland, actually, but probably because the same friends I was visiting in both cities like Cleveland more). I could see myself living in any of those places, but I never truly wanted to enough to leave here (yes, I lived in eastern Mass. for a year, but there's a reason I came back). I want to see more of Chicago (didn't really like it there in high school, the last time I was there besides passing through, but I think a lot of my anti-Chicagoism is because you can't go anywhere east of here without passing through Chicago during rush hour, which always sucks), Austin, Philadelphia, Seattle, Vancouver, Las Vegas, Miami -- and I still feel like I should try moving around a little before I get "too old" (although hopefully I'll never be too old) -- but I know I'll always end up back here. Some day, when I'm old and don't care about the nightlife (I'm approaching that already), I actually might want to live in Wisconsin along the river -- maybe Stockholm, a small artsy town about an hour from here. But I really am a city girl, so we'll see.

So I thought it was worth ranting about something good this time. And I'm going to improve my attitude about working in film. It CAN be done, but it will require more of a commitment from me than I've been making, and I've got to start working harder for it. And I fully resolve not to think about my current job when I'm not there. It's not worth it. I'd rather spend my sunny winter walks and think about how much I love living here.

An extremely crabby rant about working

2007-02-15T23:34:00.000-06:00

I feel so trapped. I work in a shitty work environment doing a job I hate with people who range from "nice enough to work with" to "assholes I wish would die." The building makes people sick, including me. I get approximately 3-4% per year cost of living raise, which ain't bad, until you factor in that I get ABSOLUTELY NO merit-based raises, commission, bonuses, etc. I mean, this is company policy, implied if not actually written. Our sales (although we don't actually offically SELL STUFF, we just answer phones like trained monkeys, which is why we DON'T get commission) went up 40% last year. Meaning we did 40% more work. Same number of people in our understaffed department who could barely keep up the year before. But we pulled it off. What did we get? NAAADAAAAA. We weren't even informed of that until our new manager asked the sales manager, and even then, it was related with clinical dryness. HOW ABOUT A "GOOD JOB, MONKEYS! HERE IS A NICE SHINY BANANA!"

But that wasn't my point, and I could rant about that shithole for days. (I will only briefly mention that I've never had a manager who treated me any better than a small child -- my questions, opinions, concerns, etc. have always been ignored or downright ridiculed. I will also add that, although this is one thing that is improving, it's still about 95% male.) Oh, and I sell fucking doorknobs. Actually, I find people to go fix other people's fucking doorknobs. I mean, let's not sugar-coat it. But if their fucking doorknob's too broke to fix, then I'll sell 'em a new one. Oh, and did I mention that this is pretty much dead-end? I can't fathom where I would go from here in this company, being a) female, b) not related to the owner of my company, and c) not liked by the owner of my company (because I tried and succeeded in getting promoted out of my previous receptionist position -- you do the job you're hired for and shut the fuck up is his motto -- unless you have the right connections or a penis, of course).

My point is that if it sucks so much, I should quit, right? Except, see, I've spent 5 years working my way up from an $8-an-hour peon to where I am here (even shit pay adds up over 5 years). And god only knows fucking why, but I've worked HARD, gotten a couple major promotions and changed companies, to get here. And if I start over somewhere else, I know I'll be making $10 an hour. I can't live on that, and I'm about to turn 30 -- I do not want to have to work two fucking jobs for another 3 years in another probably-shitty field of work just to work my way up to the point of burnout. So I mean, don't get me wrong -- I don't make a lot of money, but it's not peanuts. And I enjoy things like eating real produce and being able to pay my electric bill. Things I probably will not be able to do on $10 an hour at this point in my life. I do not want to go back to eating ramen in the dark and wearing torn clothes, goddamn it. Making it that much harder to start over.

Every time I say I'm going to quit (which is often), I start looking at job listings, and I fall into a depression. I am a very capable person -- I don't care if it sounds assholey to say this, I am smarter, a better learner and just all-around more able than most of the population. But I do not have one fucking marketable skill besides RECEPTIONIST (what I did temping during and between colleges) and hardware monkey. I will never be the least bit happy being a receptionist, and I will never make enough money to live on.

I just don't fit into this setup. Work all day for a paycheck so you can come back to work tomorrow, spend more than half your waking life at, preparing for, going to or coming from this place that makes you want to retch thinking about it. I've never had a job I didn't feel that way about at least to some extent (most jobs I've liked at least one major aspect of the job -- the people suck but I like the work, the work sucks but I like the people -- here, nothing really comes to mind). So although this job sucks absolute ass, I know it's never going to get significantly better. It's not that I don't like having some stuff -- I'm not quite to the point of dropping out of society -- but I have pretty simple tastes for a 21st century American. I'd probably like to upgrade from a studio to a one-bedroom apartment some day, and when my Cavalier I bought from Grandma dies in another 5-10 years, it would be nice to be able to afford a used, low-end Toyota. I rarely go out if it's not happy hour. I do go to the gym. I don't go to the dentist (that's been weighing on me, but while I can afford the trip, I can't afford to actually fix anything if needed). I eat some organic food, some non. Someday, I'd love to take a vacation with a budget of over $500 (I only do the $500 trips about once every two years, although I try to at least visit friends out of state in the off years). My apartment right now is really cute, with some stuff I've inherited from my parents over the years and some new things I've bought. My first new TV, and I got a 20". What I'm saying is that I'm easily fulfilled as far as what I want out of life materially. I want some comfort, some pleasantness, but I don't expect or want luxury. I could do with less of the small things, but I really am as minimal as I can be with the big things (apartment and car). Oh, and I admit with this weight loss I'm going to probably be having fun buying new clothes -- mostly at Target and TJ Maxx -- but I basically usually have about a week's worth of outfits in any given season. Assuming I wear jeans 2 or 3 times. Yeah, it feels good to have a little spending money, but those things are the things I don't really need to be happy. It's just a nice bonus.

But I don't want to have to sell my soul any more. How many more days, weeks, months, years of my life am I going to spend doing something I hate most of the time? And what's wrong with me? Or what's wrong with the rest of the world? I really don't know which it is -- obviously I have a much harder time coping with this fact of life than everyone else on the planet, but there are so many dead-eyed drones just going through the motions -- do they feel the same way I do, or have they just given up? I've really never heard anyone say what I'm feeling. I just don't know how to conform to the world, and I guess I don't want to. It would be nice to be happier with this working-stiff setup, but at the same time, I don't want to just vaccuum out my brain and turn into a vapid drone in an SUV either.

Sigh. I'm sure if any strangers were actually reading this, they'd think I'm some spoiled brat who doesn't value a day's work. I work my ass off at everything I do, even if I don't like it. Well, I admit, I haven't been real good at this job lately -- I kind of decided maybe I'll do 40% less work, since I'm really not getting paid to do it. Fuck it, and fuck them. My secret goal is to get fired and collect unemployment.

Making my real dream of working in film even more possible. But that's another rant for later. I'm getting really disheartened about that. I do have a job coming up, but then what? So I've had less than 10 jobs probably in the past 14 months. Even if they paid REALLY WELL, that does not begin to cut it. And most of them didn't pay. I need to really start throwing myself at people with summer coming up. Please hire meeeeee!!!!

Where the hell is my smiley?

2007-02-13T23:03:00.000-06:00

I'm so behind on the blogification that I'm posting for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

I thought I wouldn't be able to shut up when I started this. Took me about a day to run out of things to say. There's so little going on in my life that it's sort of embarrassing.

I've lost 20 lbs., which is cool. I'm actually slightly appalled at how fat I was, being that the loss of said 20 lbs. does NOT make me a toothpick, by any means. Stuff's still going well in that realm, however. That $440 is MINE, baby.

The keetens are learing to loooove. They are having valentine's day together. Not really, but I left them alone together for the weekend, and I think my suspicions are right -- they're having love when I am not around. When I am here, it is all hates. And pointy bits.

I snorgled Neko for like 20 minutes today (the man needed a HUG -- he has hees vays of makingk you hugk heem), and I've come to the conclusion that it's sort of like licking toads. Be careful when breathing in the intoxicating aroma of keeten furs, because you will go all lightheaded and geeedy. I almost passed out.

(So I feel like I should have a cuted-out smiley today, but then I remembered that this isn't MySpace, and a phrase came to mind that I shall never utter or think again: shit, I forgot -- this ISN'T myspace!)

Houston, we have PICTURES!

2007-02-05T19:43:00.000-06:00

So I still don't GET how to put them in my posts, but at least I have some pretties around the ol' blog. I need to figure out how to resize, but for a start... It spruces the place up a bit. I'm going for the effed-up classics, what do you think? Little Goya, little Bosch to ruin your dinner. I realize there's a head-eating theme developing already. I'll have to pursue that.

I feel like I'm writing a letter to Goatmaiden (check her out! http://bellethecat.blogspot.com/), but that's the self-indulgence that is the internet. Not GM's blog, I mean spewing all this crap, pretending you're talking to "the world," when, if you're me, no one is actually reading it but yourself. Shu'-up, it's fun, OK? Makes me feel all savvy and shit.

I'm working on another music video with I think a few of the guys from the first video I worked on. I can't believe that was May of last year -- eeps, time flies! I have to keep in better touch. These are the "old guys" I really liked -- not to be a user, but I do feel like there's more possibility of future work with them as compared to the "kids" (they're all old guys or kids). On a side note, that's so hard for me! I want to meet people to get jobs, but I don't want me or them to feel like I'm just sucking up to get work. But I've always said this, and now I've actually sort of experienced it: if I didn't want to work with them, I would not be trying to get jobs from/with them. Not that I've worked with anyone I would avoid, but there are personalities I mesh with more than others, and people I could try harder to work with, but I just don't really care to really try for work with some of them. I know I need to get what I can get, but I want to avoid the jobs that will lead to burnout if possible (with people who cause undue stress, for example). And I LIKE the old dudes better -- they're way more fun and easy going (yet somehow 5x as productive), and they're cooler about teaching me stuff. And... I think old guys are more impressed with a female aspiring grip than the kids. Not that I'm in any way the novelty chick-grip -- if I couldn't figure shit out and pull my own weight, no one would be impressed.

Anyway, this dang video shoot keeps getting put off (it was Dec., then Jan., then this weekend, now it's some other weekend in Feb.), but I'm really looking forward to it. It'll also be my first green-screen experience! I don't know what to expect -- I don't imagine there's be a shit-ton of lighting. (Oh GOD, I'll do it if asked, but if I have to be craft services I will CRY) Oh, and NO idea who the band is :) The life of the peon -- sign on for anything willing to take you, who cares what it is. That's how I've had so much variety so far, though. And at least I get paid for this one (about 1/2-1/3 the going day rate, but considering that I'm still doing free shit and learning less, I'm fine with that for now).

So I'm mostly noting this for myself, because I'm going to need an official resume soon (and note to self -- MUST get social security card!):
Dec. 2005: Four Way (no buget short) -- PA (general)
Jan. 2006: Instant Beauty Pageant (cable reality TV) -- Talent PA
May 2006: TC Bridge..../Birthday Suits (music video) -- Grip PA
Aug.-Oct. 2006: Open (low-budget feature) -- PA, key PA, grip PA
Oct. 2006: A Small Adjustment (National Film Challenge short) -- PA
Oct. (Nove?) 2006: Bank Cherokee (TV commericial) -- Grip PA, PA

(I was borderline real actual grip on the Birthday Suits and Bank Cherokee jobs.)

Mind the gaps. I really need to fill in my time more. And quit my doorknob job. That goes without saying. If I don't get out of this job in 2007, I fear there will be no 2008. Repeat after me: QUIT THAT SHIT! QUIT THAT SHIT!

The diet/exercise program is going well. My bodybuilding coworker is helping me figure out what exercises to do and what to eat when. Until the contest ends, I'm 100% about losing pounds, so I'm sticking to mostly cardio (per me, of course he thinks I should lift heavy things). But after that, I'm going on a full weight training/fitness epic. Not to be a gross female body builder, just to really get in shape for the first time in my life. I'm getting totally into eating to support my health (less about how it tastes than what it does for me, plus things like eating a lot more fish -- hell of a lot more protein than I can get in veggies). I'm getting obsessed! It's not enough just to eat veggies, I want to get the right nutrients at the right time of day to fully absorb the vitamins and minerals and optimize my workouts! It's very exciting to change my whole outlook on food. That said, I'm going out tomorrow night and am nervous about what I'll eat. Italian place, so I'm hoping they'll at least have a salad -- I'll eat spinach without dressing if I have to. Of course, still the occasional drink -- red wine, martini. Not so many calories. And I refuse to give up all fun. (Speaking of filmmaking, that's going to SUCK -- nearly impossible to bring a bag lunch, and they do not necessarily feed you with health in mind. That's going to be tough.)

OK, so this is seriously an ashcan ranting. What am I talking about? Nothing...

I do not know who won the Superbowl

2007-02-05T00:02:00.000-06:00

And I don't care.

Help meeeeeeee...

2007-02-04T14:53:00.000-06:00

I canNOT figure out how to put pictures on this thing. I'd like to do so. So if you're reading this (AHEM, Goatmaiden) and can help me, please do so. I tried to Hello thing they recommend here on Bloggedy Bloggy Blog or whatever it's called, but it doesn't seem to work. Or I don't seem to work. As anyone who's actually reading this probably knows, I'm living in approximately 1994. Have a vague sense of how to surf the web and e-mail, but have much trouble actually figuring anything else out. Including, apparently, photo hosting. Gar! Me not schmartz.

As long as it ain't MySpace

2007-02-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I thought it was high time I started a blog. I started a MySpace thingamajig and was very unimpressed (except that I was found by an old high school friend, so that was nice). I've had some setbacks (please don't forget the dash in my address or you'll get someone else's ashcan rantings. Sorry, folks, I know you were here first, but that's been my planned website name since approximately 2000 -- I daresay before the "blog" was even invented, per se -- so you'll have to excuse me), but I think I shall overcome.

So I don't know how much of an intro this really is. I'll have to figure out how to operate this baby, put more in the "about me" section, etc. The name of this lil' blog comes from Howl, by Allen Ginsberg. It's just always seemed to fit my style -- rantings, of course, if you know me, is what you'll probably mostly see. Ashcan sort of fits the eclectic variety of crap I tend to talk about, plus it's probably all rather throwaway. But if you want to dumpster dive, you might find something worthwhile. Mostly it saves me from feeling pretentious later with ashcan right in the title. Nowhere did I claim they were literary rantings! And it's a nod to some of my favorite writers, the Beats.

I just feel it necessary to immortalize the weather in my inaugural blog: it's FUCKING COLD OUT. Ok, that decides it -- I will not be giving my mother the link to this. Might as well get the pottymouth out there up front. It is, I believe, the coldest stretch in 11 years -- the temp isn't expected to go above 0, yes, zero degrees fahrenheit, for like 86 hours straight. Sweet! I'm sure in a few months I'll be bitching that it's 100 degrees out. Damn non-Minnesotans just don't get it. Insane weather extremes here. Love it. (Hate the extremes, love the fact that I feel so smug and tough compared to weenies the likes of which you find in San Diego and Honolulu. Even Massachusetts! All due respect to the weenies, by the way. You all know you are, though.) Anyway, I'm having some trouble typing becacuse it's 59 degrees in my apartment, and my fingers are slightly frozed. BRRRRS!

That's all for now, I think. Will write more when my fingers have limbered up a little. Or I have more to say. Off to my one-woman anti-superbowl party! (In which I watch DVD's and drink bloody marys.)