I've realized in the past week that one thing I REALLY need to learn to do is separate my mood, my mental sense of well-being, from the ups and downs of my so-called film career. I was down for quite some time until my contact-everybody blitz because I wasn't doing anything. After the blitz I was borderline manic because things were going so well. Then things kind of petered out a little (a couple jobs fell through, a couple didn't go as well as I'd hoped), and I was in the depths of despair again. Today a guy I'm hoping to work with more called me about a job that I wasn't even able to take (DAMN my day job and my stupid needs to, like, have shelter and eat), but the fact that he thought of me, and he said he's keeping me on his "short list," had me all happy again.
Okey dokey, first of all, it's just a bad idea to get that emotionally involved in just the getting of work, because the desperation is going to get pretty rancid pretty quick. Second, I just gotta say, I love you, my friends -- I have not shut my damn mouth about this stuff for WEEKS, and you've all been so kind as to not tell me to fuck off and actually seem to CARE. :)
That leads me to the rest of my day. I realized today that I worked the last 20 days straight without a day off until today. And the bad week film-wise, and I've been sick for a week and a half, and I have been having a really hard time going through the motions at the ol' day job... So I went to the coffee shop, bought an almond toffee scone and a cuppa cold press, took it to the park and sat on a swing with my breakfast in the sun. Then I went home, got in my car, drove to the mall and bought myself another pair of damn pants and some damn capris, dammit (because I don't have enough damn clothes that still fit! Even my skinny clothes are too fat! I don't think I'm still losing weight, but I guess if not my jeans are stretching out...!) Then I came home, got a book and my MP3 player, and sat on the deck for several hours in the sun. Then I walked to the gas station (about 1.5 mi. round trip, so I got some non-slacking in) for cigs, and returned to the deck until the sun started to go down and it got too cold. GOD, it was relaxing. I'm a bit sunburned, but just enough that I should end up a slightly darker shade of pale than I was. And all that vitamin E or whatever -- I feel so much better! I came home last night feeling REAL BAD about this cable access internship thing, so I needed this.
Did I mention the TV thing? I'm interning for the Mpls. cable access station. Until last night (worked on 1 whole show and 1 that was rained out after about 1/2 hour) I was feeling good about it, and I'll get over last night, but I'll sum it up like this: put me in charge of something I have no idea how to do, don't give me any instruction as to how to do it, then proceed to spend a good part of the show bitching me out because I'm not doing it right. For FREE? Nuh-uh, find another sucker. We'll just see if that continues -- I realize live TV can be stressful, the bitcher in question was in a bad position, and it was just ill planning, but I don't need that shit from cable freaking access. However, everyone else has been extremely nice and funny and pleasant and whatnot, so I'm hoping this is a fluke.
Ah, two cats schnuggled up against me right now. Sighs. PS, earlier, Mikey attacked Neko and clamped onto his neck like a bulldog! I've never seen such a thing! Is he finally asserting himself, or was he possessed? Why was Neko not fighting back? I finally had to make Mikey let go because I was getting worried! Hm, don't hurt my baby, bu yay Mikey, way to be a MAN!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Holy brain diarrhea, better not read this one
Well, I am FRICKING TIRED. FRICK. Who says or actually types out FRICK?
I worked at the cable access show Friday and OPERATED A FRICKING CAMERA. Wow, I thought I was going to watch them and learn how to wrap a cable. I have 3 more dates set with them for May. It rockeded!
Saturday I worked a loooooong day on Dead of Night or whatever they're going to call it (I'll let you know so you can all rush to the theater to see it. ALL of you. Sarah.) It was COOL -- big set, LOTS of people. I think I learned about 50 new names -- and I actually remembered a lot of them! That's the thing I have to really work the hardest at.
Oh, and I met this guy:
Not to be confused with this guy:
(Weird: I couldn't find one picture of them together... Discuss.)
So anyway, it's fun, I'm exhausted, and I had to not work on the film today, despite the fact that they needed and WANTED me back, AND get up 4 hours after I got home from shooting last night because of mother's day. Most people just call their mom, but I had to get up at 8 am, pick up my brother 45 min. out of my way, drive 2.5 hours down there, eat, talk to relatives, drive 2.5 hours back, drop off brother, and try to sleep (yes, so I blog -- hey, my hair is drying). But do I get to lay on the guilt trip this time? Nope, mom does, because we didn't stay long enough. ARGH. I just have to say, and I hope I don't regret putting this out there, that I was getting really choked up reading mother's day cards this year. Because I was overcome with gratitude toward my mother? No, because so many of them were like, "mom, you've always supported me," blah blah blah. My mother does NOT support me and would rather have me work a job I DESPISE and which makes me want to die a quick death instead of this slow, torturous one, instead of pursuing a chance at professional fulfillment (which is the way I choose to find it -- not through breeding and such shit) and for once in my life taking real risks to do what I want to do, because she couldn't stand not having a steady income, so therefore I can't do it (you know, like "I'm cold, put on a sweater"). She goes out of her way EVERY TIME IT COMES UP to mention that this is such a great "hobby" for me. I can understand where she's coming from, where you go through life doing certain shit in a certain order (college, marriage, job, children, DIVORCE, REMARRIAGE, retirement, etc.) because THAT'S JUST WHAT PEOPLE DO, or more accurately, because you're TOO GODDAMN SCARED TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, but I thought I'd gotten through to her that I AM NOT PEOPLE. I AM KRISTINA. I DO THINGS KRISTINA'S WAY, NOT "PEOPLE'S" WAY. IF I DON'T, THEN THERE IS NO POINT TO MY EXISTENCE, IS THERE? And I've been living what I feel is a completely poinless existence the past few years. Seriously, my life has been WITHOUT POINT, and I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I mean that in a way that says it's now or never, time to make a change. So I am attempting to rectify that and create something out of my life that I can be PROUD of. IT'S NOT A MOTHERFUCKING HOBBY. Yes, I am blogging on mother's day about my major, major issues with my mother. That's all I have to say about that, except that if anyone can tell me how, without estranging yourself from your family, to NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR MOTHER THINKS EVEN WHILE SHE'S TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE THINKS, please let me know. I'm 30 FRICKING years old and she still can do way more than just annoy me. I've done it before and I'll do it again: if I can't talk to her about my life, and talking to her makes me feel bad about myself every time, then I will extricate myself from that negative situation and no longer talk to her. Just because she says it with a smile doesn't mean she doesn't intend to passive-aggressively inflict her shit on me. HOBBY. FUCK YOU. Wow. That's it. I am going to hell, right now, today.
DAMN, was that an ashcan rant. I'm not even the least bit drunk. What a weird entry. Go to bed. I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep in the past two nights put together.
I worked at the cable access show Friday and OPERATED A FRICKING CAMERA. Wow, I thought I was going to watch them and learn how to wrap a cable. I have 3 more dates set with them for May. It rockeded!
Saturday I worked a loooooong day on Dead of Night or whatever they're going to call it (I'll let you know so you can all rush to the theater to see it. ALL of you. Sarah.) It was COOL -- big set, LOTS of people. I think I learned about 50 new names -- and I actually remembered a lot of them! That's the thing I have to really work the hardest at.
Oh, and I met this guy:
Not to be confused with this guy:
(Weird: I couldn't find one picture of them together... Discuss.)
So anyway, it's fun, I'm exhausted, and I had to not work on the film today, despite the fact that they needed and WANTED me back, AND get up 4 hours after I got home from shooting last night because of mother's day. Most people just call their mom, but I had to get up at 8 am, pick up my brother 45 min. out of my way, drive 2.5 hours down there, eat, talk to relatives, drive 2.5 hours back, drop off brother, and try to sleep (yes, so I blog -- hey, my hair is drying). But do I get to lay on the guilt trip this time? Nope, mom does, because we didn't stay long enough. ARGH. I just have to say, and I hope I don't regret putting this out there, that I was getting really choked up reading mother's day cards this year. Because I was overcome with gratitude toward my mother? No, because so many of them were like, "mom, you've always supported me," blah blah blah. My mother does NOT support me and would rather have me work a job I DESPISE and which makes me want to die a quick death instead of this slow, torturous one, instead of pursuing a chance at professional fulfillment (which is the way I choose to find it -- not through breeding and such shit) and for once in my life taking real risks to do what I want to do, because she couldn't stand not having a steady income, so therefore I can't do it (you know, like "I'm cold, put on a sweater"). She goes out of her way EVERY TIME IT COMES UP to mention that this is such a great "hobby" for me. I can understand where she's coming from, where you go through life doing certain shit in a certain order (college, marriage, job, children, DIVORCE, REMARRIAGE, retirement, etc.) because THAT'S JUST WHAT PEOPLE DO, or more accurately, because you're TOO GODDAMN SCARED TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, but I thought I'd gotten through to her that I AM NOT PEOPLE. I AM KRISTINA. I DO THINGS KRISTINA'S WAY, NOT "PEOPLE'S" WAY. IF I DON'T, THEN THERE IS NO POINT TO MY EXISTENCE, IS THERE? And I've been living what I feel is a completely poinless existence the past few years. Seriously, my life has been WITHOUT POINT, and I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I mean that in a way that says it's now or never, time to make a change. So I am attempting to rectify that and create something out of my life that I can be PROUD of. IT'S NOT A MOTHERFUCKING HOBBY. Yes, I am blogging on mother's day about my major, major issues with my mother. That's all I have to say about that, except that if anyone can tell me how, without estranging yourself from your family, to NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR MOTHER THINKS EVEN WHILE SHE'S TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE THINKS, please let me know. I'm 30 FRICKING years old and she still can do way more than just annoy me. I've done it before and I'll do it again: if I can't talk to her about my life, and talking to her makes me feel bad about myself every time, then I will extricate myself from that negative situation and no longer talk to her. Just because she says it with a smile doesn't mean she doesn't intend to passive-aggressively inflict her shit on me. HOBBY. FUCK YOU. Wow. That's it. I am going to hell, right now, today.
DAMN, was that an ashcan rant. I'm not even the least bit drunk. What a weird entry. Go to bed. I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep in the past two nights put together.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Eyyyyyyyyyedrropppppps
I just got my eyes checked and they gave me those drops that dilate them. Ick. I can't see and I have a headache.
Sweet sweet sweetness of the total sweetie sweetarama sweetmeisters. That's all I have to say. About the fact that I've gotten ABOUT A BAZILLION responses to my blitzkrieg of e-mails to film people on Sunday. OK, I think I've gotten 4 responses. One actual job (unpaid -- OK, I'll TELL you if it's paid, otherwise assume not, for now) at the Mpls. cable access channel Friday night, and probably/for sure a job on Sat.
See, two of the respondents are actually working on the same thing, so either I'll PA or something (for the 2nd AD, who called me first) OR I'll grip for THE BIGGEST KEY GRIP IN TOWN (as he was advertised to me -- I'm assuming big in respect and getting-of-jobs, etc., more than being some kind of giant man, but whatever), who called me to see if I could work for him on Sat., and it turned out to be the same shoot I'm already in communication with the other gentleman about. :D It's a horror movie! (I won't tell you about my idea for a horror movie that I want to make some day in case someone is reading this and steals my thunder, but I have a location. No plot, script, financing, cast or crew. But a location.)
The Sat. thing is not FOR SURE in that they may be doing overnights (it's a HORROR MOVIE), and I MUST go to my mom's for mother's day (she said I could take this job if I felt I needed to, but I don't think I could deal with the mom guilt for the rest of my life... She is NOT into my freelancing endeavors). But then I realized, hey, my 26-year-old brother just got his driver's permit (to be fair, he did have one at 15), SO... I might end up working all night, get us out of the city and pointed in the direction of "home," then make him drive the rest of the way as I hallucinate and doze off. I will probably be unattractive and spacey (and quite possibly stinky) for mother's day, but at least I'll be there. Take THAT, mom!
So I'm calling Saturday a for-sure job right now.
Wootwootwoot. I don't know when I turned into a l33t nerdo, but woot, I say. Huh-WOOT.
Sweet sweet sweetness of the total sweetie sweetarama sweetmeisters. That's all I have to say. About the fact that I've gotten ABOUT A BAZILLION responses to my blitzkrieg of e-mails to film people on Sunday. OK, I think I've gotten 4 responses. One actual job (unpaid -- OK, I'll TELL you if it's paid, otherwise assume not, for now) at the Mpls. cable access channel Friday night, and probably/for sure a job on Sat.
See, two of the respondents are actually working on the same thing, so either I'll PA or something (for the 2nd AD, who called me first) OR I'll grip for THE BIGGEST KEY GRIP IN TOWN (as he was advertised to me -- I'm assuming big in respect and getting-of-jobs, etc., more than being some kind of giant man, but whatever), who called me to see if I could work for him on Sat., and it turned out to be the same shoot I'm already in communication with the other gentleman about. :D It's a horror movie! (I won't tell you about my idea for a horror movie that I want to make some day in case someone is reading this and steals my thunder, but I have a location. No plot, script, financing, cast or crew. But a location.)
The Sat. thing is not FOR SURE in that they may be doing overnights (it's a HORROR MOVIE), and I MUST go to my mom's for mother's day (she said I could take this job if I felt I needed to, but I don't think I could deal with the mom guilt for the rest of my life... She is NOT into my freelancing endeavors). But then I realized, hey, my 26-year-old brother just got his driver's permit (to be fair, he did have one at 15), SO... I might end up working all night, get us out of the city and pointed in the direction of "home," then make him drive the rest of the way as I hallucinate and doze off. I will probably be unattractive and spacey (and quite possibly stinky) for mother's day, but at least I'll be there. Take THAT, mom!
So I'm calling Saturday a for-sure job right now.
Wootwootwoot. I don't know when I turned into a l33t nerdo, but woot, I say. Huh-WOOT.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
This is just me trying some internets out
OK. What I'm trying to do is make a picture into a linke to a web site.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Innebandy
Would you like to see some professional Swedish floorball action?
Go Pixbo!
(Or if that doesn't work, go to svt.se, which is Swedish TV only backward, find the link for "sport" -- when you click it, you gotta say SCHPORT! -- then the dropdown that I think says ALLESPORTE or something that looks like "all sports," then find INNEBANDY and just try to guess which yerdyyardahurty thing is real footage. WOOT!)
Go Pixbo!
(Or if that doesn't work, go to svt.se, which is Swedish TV only backward, find the link for "sport" -- when you click it, you gotta say SCHPORT! -- then the dropdown that I think says ALLESPORTE or something that looks like "all sports," then find INNEBANDY and just try to guess which yerdyyardahurty thing is real footage. WOOT!)
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