Rollercoaster (of loooove)

I've realized in the past week that one thing I REALLY need to learn to do is separate my mood, my mental sense of well-being, from the ups and downs of my so-called film career. I was down for quite some time until my contact-everybody blitz because I wasn't doing anything. After the blitz I was borderline manic because things were going so well. Then things kind of petered out a little (a couple jobs fell through, a couple didn't go as well as I'd hoped), and I was in the depths of despair again. Today a guy I'm hoping to work with more called me about a job that I wasn't even able to take (DAMN my day job and my stupid needs to, like, have shelter and eat), but the fact that he thought of me, and he said he's keeping me on his "short list," had me all happy again.

Okey dokey, first of all, it's just a bad idea to get that emotionally involved in just the getting of work, because the desperation is going to get pretty rancid pretty quick. Second, I just gotta say, I love you, my friends -- I have not shut my damn mouth about this stuff for WEEKS, and you've all been so kind as to not tell me to fuck off and actually seem to CARE. :)

That leads me to the rest of my day. I realized today that I worked the last 20 days straight without a day off until today. And the bad week film-wise, and I've been sick for a week and a half, and I have been having a really hard time going through the motions at the ol' day job... So I went to the coffee shop, bought an almond toffee scone and a cuppa cold press, took it to the park and sat on a swing with my breakfast in the sun. Then I went home, got in my car, drove to the mall and bought myself another pair of damn pants and some damn capris, dammit (because I don't have enough damn clothes that still fit! Even my skinny clothes are too fat! I don't think I'm still losing weight, but I guess if not my jeans are stretching out...!) Then I came home, got a book and my MP3 player, and sat on the deck for several hours in the sun. Then I walked to the gas station (about 1.5 mi. round trip, so I got some non-slacking in) for cigs, and returned to the deck until the sun started to go down and it got too cold. GOD, it was relaxing. I'm a bit sunburned, but just enough that I should end up a slightly darker shade of pale than I was. And all that vitamin E or whatever -- I feel so much better! I came home last night feeling REAL BAD about this cable access internship thing, so I needed this.

Did I mention the TV thing? I'm interning for the Mpls. cable access station. Until last night (worked on 1 whole show and 1 that was rained out after about 1/2 hour) I was feeling good about it, and I'll get over last night, but I'll sum it up like this: put me in charge of something I have no idea how to do, don't give me any instruction as to how to do it, then proceed to spend a good part of the show bitching me out because I'm not doing it right. For FREE? Nuh-uh, find another sucker. We'll just see if that continues -- I realize live TV can be stressful, the bitcher in question was in a bad position, and it was just ill planning, but I don't need that shit from cable freaking access. However, everyone else has been extremely nice and funny and pleasant and whatnot, so I'm hoping this is a fluke.

Ah, two cats schnuggled up against me right now. Sighs. PS, earlier, Mikey attacked Neko and clamped onto his neck like a bulldog! I've never seen such a thing! Is he finally asserting himself, or was he possessed? Why was Neko not fighting back? I finally had to make Mikey let go because I was getting worried! Hm, don't hurt my baby, bu yay Mikey, way to be a MAN!