I'm so money and I don't even know it

It's the late Sunday night, I-gotta-go-to-bed-but-I-slept-too-late-this-morning post.

So after all my pissing and moaning, I'm going to Las Vegas for a real vacation! Sweet. I will amend my earlier rant to clarify that I'm OK with the money I make now (just disturbed that it doesn't go farther), I'm just not prepared to start over making sheyat. And regardless of what I make, I deserve a raise. But I digress.

Anyway, Vegas, baby, Vegas! Very excited. Celebrating the big 3-0 and everything. Going to drive to the Grand Canyon and take a look at that too! Long drive for a short visit, but my traveling companion wants to go, and the GC is definitely on my top 10 places in the US to see before I die. So now I can die a little sooner.

God, my eating schedule is all messed up too -- I'm hungry, but it's 11, which is just too late to eat.

I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped in terms of shopping and/or working out before my trip
(oh, I hope this doesn't cause me to lose the fat contest), because we just got shat upon with snow. I don't think it ended up being anywhere near the 12-18" they predicted, but it's hard to tell looking out the window. I have not ventured out. But it's enough that note to self, I better get up early tomorrow to dig out so I make it to work on time. Or not, whatev.

Which leads me to the fact that I am at a minimum one reference verification away from applying for a real-live full-time permanent film job (well, no, it's TV). Not going into details right now, but along with everything else that's bad timing right now, this is as well (being that I'm going to submit it then leave for a vacation soon thereafter), but whatev to that too. It'll work it out if it's supposed to. I'm a little underqualified, not sure this is the type of work I want to do for the rest of my life, and I have no idea how much they pay -- which should mean my interview will go GREAT, since I'm not really dying to get the job. I mean, I am excited about it, but at the same time, part of me is sort of rolling my eyes -- OK, the small detail I will go into is that it's a home shopping channel type of thing. But at this point it's more about the experience and the people/working conditions. If those are good, I don't care what the content is so much.

Anyway, that's what I've been doing. Working on the res. and cov. let. I cannot tell you how much I HATE doing this crap, but this time it wasn't as painful. I wasn't pretending I really want some shitty job that I don't want, worrying that the desperation to get out of my current job is showing. I actually wrote a real, heartfelt letter explaining my real feelings about how I'd truly like the job. That's a new one. I do think I need to study up before the interview -- with my sporadic work, even the stuff I do know needs to be refreshed. I can set up several different kinds of lights with no problem, but I can't remember what they're called. (It does NOT help that they're all called "minis," "babies," "baby babies," etc. Extension cords are stingers. Clothes pins are C37's or something like that. It's a little ridic.)

Shit, I'm so freaking out of it, I just heard on the BBC radio (via NPR) that Martin Scorsese just won an Oscar for some movie I haven't even heard of. Go Martin.

So goodbye, all my fans who read this religiously (HAHAHAHAHAHA). I will probably not be blogging for the next 2 weeks. Since I have to work my ass off, literally, at the gym, and pack and all that crap. Woohoo! Speaking of working my ass off, I just have to add my newest thing. I was trying on my skinny clothes and seeing how I looked. Since my upper body seems to have lost more weight than my lower (and I was worried it would be the other way around because I've been doing mostly just elliptical and treadmill!), I feel more conscious of the fatness of my ass than I was before, when it was twice as big. Because my top half was also fat, and I didn't look at myself that closely. Anyway, it's weird to be both excited about losing weight and more critical of the size of one's ass than ever all at the same time. On that note, buhbye!

I'm sick now

I don't know if it was my walk outside, my choice to sit in a movie theater full of god knows how many sick people (I don't go to movies at theaters very often -- weird for a film geek, I know -- but it's more because of the cost and the fact that the public ANNOYS me than germophobia...), or the fact that I had a couple drinks last night, but damn, I don't feel well. What's funny is I was just telling my friend last night that I thank exercising and eating well for the fact that I haven't been sick in Jan/Feb (usually I'm sick ALL of Jan/Feb), and about 10 hours after I said that, I was laid up. I'm using nasal spray from my last sinus infection in hopes that it doesn't turn into another one. I didn't work out, clean my apartment or do laundry today :( And I'm hungry and have nothing to eat that doesn't involve work. I want to sleep.

It did give me time to lie in bed and research my possible 30th birthday vacation my friend and I decided we should take last night (he was complaining that he has too much money and time off and nothing to do with it -- sometimes I want to smack that kid). Either taking the Amtrak to Chicago or possibly flying to Las Vegas, although the Vegas deals I saw were pretty high for me. Looks like it'll be at least $450 each for airfare, hotel and rental car. :( Looks like we might be able to do Chicago for $200 (train & hotel), but we'll see if that deal is too good to be true. If not, it'll probably be closer to $300. This is what I'm talking about! I can't afford to stay in hotels. Chicago would probably be better also because it would be a shorter trip, so less money spent on other things. 2 nights, probably enough time for the Shedd Aquarium and the modern art museum (I've never been there and LOVE the Art Institute, but J. says the modern one is really nice). And maybe one night eating good food and drinking out (my b-day), one night eating Subway or a pizza & drinking in the room. Too bad J. is a boy -- 2 beds costs a lot more and totally rules out a lot of hotels, but it just wouldn't work out to share... But that's a story for another time. Or not.

Oh, it's not so bad

OK, so obviously among other things, I'm susceptible to the winter blues, seasonal affective disorder, whatever you want to call it. It's been crappy here for a long time -- below-zero temperatures, overcast, bleah. Today it's sunny and they just announced on the radio that it's 24 degrees, which by any other standards is cold, but it's warm enough for me to go for a walk and absorb some vitamin E or whatever. Sun is good.

So I slept until about 10:30, puttered around for a little while, walked up to the coffee shop and read the City Pages while I drank my Americano, then went across the street to the antique shop (I love those places), then I decided the weather was good enough for a relatively long walk. I made it all the way to the river, which is about a mile away. I wasn't sure if I'd make it at first, because the wind was in my face, but once I got going, I didn't want to stop. I was thinking a lot about where I live. Minnesota, St. Paul, the West Side (si-eed), my apartment... I really like it here.

The weather here is... interesting. Contrary to the belief recently expressed to me by someone in Dallas, it's not cold here year-round. In fact, it gets very hot in the summer. When Goatmaiden visited me last summer around the 4th of July, it was mid-90s. We had several days over 100 last summer. Then a couple weeks ago we didn't go above 0 for like 86 hours straight. We've barely broken 10 in 2 weeks. I don't like extremes (I'm almost always too hot or too cold), but for some reason I still dig it here. I'm sort of smug, and some of it comes from traveling around the US and talking to people all over the country in the course of my job -- we're a unique breed here in MN, the Twin Cities having the most extreme temperatures of any major US city. For some reason we still love it here, and I think because of it we have different values than, say, Southern California. Fashion, while not nonexistent here, isn't a huge deal, beacuse half the year you're covered in coats, hats, scarves. We've got a thriving arts community -- maybe because in these long winter months we have a lot of time to stay inside and create. For those who care (I don't), we have professional teams in every sport. Many great colleges and universities. Etc. And it's really beautiful. I love the Mississippi river, which borders both downtowns. Except my year in Massachusetts, I don't think I've ever lived much more than a mile from the river. And I don't think I'd ever want to.

I was thinking about the river today, looking across at downtown St. Paul. It's such a pretty little city, much more historic than Minneapolis (where most of downtown was torn down and rebuilt in the '70s). There's been a recent trend of condos taking over a lot of riverside real estate, which of course I'm not a huge fan of. But I was thinking today that at one time, only rich people in old mansions (or no one, in the case of the downtown side of the river) had a view of the Mississippi. Now at least more people with slightly less money get the views. (I'll never be able to afford one of those condos, and I'm sure they're still quite expensive). And some of them aren't that bad looking. There's one complex right across from where I was standing, though, that should be blown up -- WHY do they paint them in Miami colors? Bright yellow and orange just aren't St. Paul. But... que sera sera.

I really like this neighborhood. West St. Paul is an area that a lot of people don't even know exists. It's the called the west side because it's the "west" side of the river, but because the river ain't straight, it's actually directly south of downtown. Which is pleasantly nonsensical. It's not upscale, it's just a nice working-class place. Very liberal ("wage peace" signs in windows, etc.). Small, nice, old houses. And very little crime. I used to live in north Minneapolis, which is the worst neighborhood in the TC area. My car and house were broken into, someone was shot practically in front of our house, there was a rash of muggings for several months before I left...

The last night I slept there, I was moving stuff to my new place late into the evening. I got home around midnight and there was a large van parked across the street from where I parked that did not belong there -- and it was running, with a guy sitting behind the wheel. I had to walk a little way down a dark alley to my house, and the recent crime rash involved people jumping out of cars, mugging people and/or stealing their cars, and/or kidnapping them (I'm not sure if the last one actually ever happened), especially in dark alleys. I was NOT getting out of my car, so after driving around for about 45 minutes and checking back several times to find the van still there and running, I called 911 for the first and hopefully last time in my life. I felt kind of stupid, but I was tired, I had to pee really bad, and I was so terrified to get out of my car I was in tears.

I never even felt very safe walking around the neighborhood in broad daylight. So west St. Paul was a much needed change. It's also not trendy to live here here, which is fine with me and adds up to some of the most affordable rent you can get in the metro area with almost no fear of crime. It's kind of far from any social life (Uptown, downtown Mpls., etc.), but at least it's close to where I work.

I haven't found anywhere I'd rather live. I loved California (we drove from San Francisco to San Diego, stopping in LA, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur, and places between, so I saw quite a bit of the state), Honolulu, New York, Boston, New Orleans, Portland, even Cleveland (more than Portland, actually, but probably because the same friends I was visiting in both cities like Cleveland more). I could see myself living in any of those places, but I never truly wanted to enough to leave here (yes, I lived in eastern Mass. for a year, but there's a reason I came back). I want to see more of Chicago (didn't really like it there in high school, the last time I was there besides passing through, but I think a lot of my anti-Chicagoism is because you can't go anywhere east of here without passing through Chicago during rush hour, which always sucks), Austin, Philadelphia, Seattle, Vancouver, Las Vegas, Miami -- and I still feel like I should try moving around a little before I get "too old" (although hopefully I'll never be too old) -- but I know I'll always end up back here. Some day, when I'm old and don't care about the nightlife (I'm approaching that already), I actually might want to live in Wisconsin along the river -- maybe Stockholm, a small artsy town about an hour from here. But I really am a city girl, so we'll see.

So I thought it was worth ranting about something good this time. And I'm going to improve my attitude about working in film. It CAN be done, but it will require more of a commitment from me than I've been making, and I've got to start working harder for it. And I fully resolve not to think about my current job when I'm not there. It's not worth it. I'd rather spend my sunny winter walks and think about how much I love living here.

An extremely crabby rant about working

I feel so trapped. I work in a shitty work environment doing a job I hate with people who range from "nice enough to work with" to "assholes I wish would die." The building makes people sick, including me. I get approximately 3-4% per year cost of living raise, which ain't bad, until you factor in that I get ABSOLUTELY NO merit-based raises, commission, bonuses, etc. I mean, this is company policy, implied if not actually written. Our sales (although we don't actually offically SELL STUFF, we just answer phones like trained monkeys, which is why we DON'T get commission) went up 40% last year. Meaning we did 40% more work. Same number of people in our understaffed department who could barely keep up the year before. But we pulled it off. What did we get? NAAADAAAAA. We weren't even informed of that until our new manager asked the sales manager, and even then, it was related with clinical dryness. HOW ABOUT A "GOOD JOB, MONKEYS! HERE IS A NICE SHINY BANANA!"

But that wasn't my point, and I could rant about that shithole for days. (I will only briefly mention that I've never had a manager who treated me any better than a small child -- my questions, opinions, concerns, etc. have always been ignored or downright ridiculed. I will also add that, although this is one thing that is improving, it's still about 95% male.) Oh, and I sell fucking doorknobs. Actually, I find people to go fix other people's fucking doorknobs. I mean, let's not sugar-coat it. But if their fucking doorknob's too broke to fix, then I'll sell 'em a new one. Oh, and did I mention that this is pretty much dead-end? I can't fathom where I would go from here in this company, being a) female, b) not related to the owner of my company, and c) not liked by the owner of my company (because I tried and succeeded in getting promoted out of my previous receptionist position -- you do the job you're hired for and shut the fuck up is his motto -- unless you have the right connections or a penis, of course).

My point is that if it sucks so much, I should quit, right? Except, see, I've spent 5 years working my way up from an $8-an-hour peon to where I am here (even shit pay adds up over 5 years). And god only knows fucking why, but I've worked HARD, gotten a couple major promotions and changed companies, to get here. And if I start over somewhere else, I know I'll be making $10 an hour. I can't live on that, and I'm about to turn 30 -- I do not want to have to work two fucking jobs for another 3 years in another probably-shitty field of work just to work my way up to the point of burnout. So I mean, don't get me wrong -- I don't make a lot of money, but it's not peanuts. And I enjoy things like eating real produce and being able to pay my electric bill. Things I probably will not be able to do on $10 an hour at this point in my life. I do not want to go back to eating ramen in the dark and wearing torn clothes, goddamn it. Making it that much harder to start over.

Every time I say I'm going to quit (which is often), I start looking at job listings, and I fall into a depression. I am a very capable person -- I don't care if it sounds assholey to say this, I am smarter, a better learner and just all-around more able than most of the population. But I do not have one fucking marketable skill besides RECEPTIONIST (what I did temping during and between colleges) and hardware monkey. I will never be the least bit happy being a receptionist, and I will never make enough money to live on.

I just don't fit into this setup. Work all day for a paycheck so you can come back to work tomorrow, spend more than half your waking life at, preparing for, going to or coming from this place that makes you want to retch thinking about it. I've never had a job I didn't feel that way about at least to some extent (most jobs I've liked at least one major aspect of the job -- the people suck but I like the work, the work sucks but I like the people -- here, nothing really comes to mind). So although this job sucks absolute ass, I know it's never going to get significantly better. It's not that I don't like having some stuff -- I'm not quite to the point of dropping out of society -- but I have pretty simple tastes for a 21st century American. I'd probably like to upgrade from a studio to a one-bedroom apartment some day, and when my Cavalier I bought from Grandma dies in another 5-10 years, it would be nice to be able to afford a used, low-end Toyota. I rarely go out if it's not happy hour. I do go to the gym. I don't go to the dentist (that's been weighing on me, but while I can afford the trip, I can't afford to actually fix anything if needed). I eat some organic food, some non. Someday, I'd love to take a vacation with a budget of over $500 (I only do the $500 trips about once every two years, although I try to at least visit friends out of state in the off years). My apartment right now is really cute, with some stuff I've inherited from my parents over the years and some new things I've bought. My first new TV, and I got a 20". What I'm saying is that I'm easily fulfilled as far as what I want out of life materially. I want some comfort, some pleasantness, but I don't expect or want luxury. I could do with less of the small things, but I really am as minimal as I can be with the big things (apartment and car). Oh, and I admit with this weight loss I'm going to probably be having fun buying new clothes -- mostly at Target and TJ Maxx -- but I basically usually have about a week's worth of outfits in any given season. Assuming I wear jeans 2 or 3 times. Yeah, it feels good to have a little spending money, but those things are the things I don't really need to be happy. It's just a nice bonus.

But I don't want to have to sell my soul any more. How many more days, weeks, months, years of my life am I going to spend doing something I hate most of the time? And what's wrong with me? Or what's wrong with the rest of the world? I really don't know which it is -- obviously I have a much harder time coping with this fact of life than everyone else on the planet, but there are so many dead-eyed drones just going through the motions -- do they feel the same way I do, or have they just given up? I've really never heard anyone say what I'm feeling. I just don't know how to conform to the world, and I guess I don't want to. It would be nice to be happier with this working-stiff setup, but at the same time, I don't want to just vaccuum out my brain and turn into a vapid drone in an SUV either.

Sigh. I'm sure if any strangers were actually reading this, they'd think I'm some spoiled brat who doesn't value a day's work. I work my ass off at everything I do, even if I don't like it. Well, I admit, I haven't been real good at this job lately -- I kind of decided maybe I'll do 40% less work, since I'm really not getting paid to do it. Fuck it, and fuck them. My secret goal is to get fired and collect unemployment.

Making my real dream of working in film even more possible. But that's another rant for later. I'm getting really disheartened about that. I do have a job coming up, but then what? So I've had less than 10 jobs probably in the past 14 months. Even if they paid REALLY WELL, that does not begin to cut it. And most of them didn't pay. I need to really start throwing myself at people with summer coming up. Please hire meeeeee!!!!

Where the hell is my smiley?

I'm so behind on the blogification that I'm posting for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

I thought I wouldn't be able to shut up when I started this. Took me about a day to run out of things to say. There's so little going on in my life that it's sort of embarrassing.

I've lost 20 lbs., which is cool. I'm actually slightly appalled at how fat I was, being that the loss of said 20 lbs. does NOT make me a toothpick, by any means. Stuff's still going well in that realm, however. That $440 is MINE, baby.

The keetens are learing to loooove. They are having valentine's day together. Not really, but I left them alone together for the weekend, and I think my suspicions are right -- they're having love when I am not around. When I am here, it is all hates. And pointy bits.

I snorgled Neko for like 20 minutes today (the man needed a HUG -- he has hees vays of makingk you hugk heem), and I've come to the conclusion that it's sort of like licking toads. Be careful when breathing in the intoxicating aroma of keeten furs, because you will go all lightheaded and geeedy. I almost passed out.

(So I feel like I should have a cuted-out smiley today, but then I remembered that this isn't MySpace, and a phrase came to mind that I shall never utter or think again: shit, I forgot -- this ISN'T myspace!)

Houston, we have PICTURES!

So I still don't GET how to put them in my posts, but at least I have some pretties around the ol' blog. I need to figure out how to resize, but for a start... It spruces the place up a bit. I'm going for the effed-up classics, what do you think? Little Goya, little Bosch to ruin your dinner. I realize there's a head-eating theme developing already. I'll have to pursue that.

I feel like I'm writing a letter to Goatmaiden (check her out! http://bellethecat.blogspot.com/), but that's the self-indulgence that is the internet. Not GM's blog, I mean spewing all this crap, pretending you're talking to "the world," when, if you're me, no one is actually reading it but yourself. Shu'-up, it's fun, OK? Makes me feel all savvy and shit.

I'm working on another music video with I think a few of the guys from the first video I worked on. I can't believe that was May of last year -- eeps, time flies! I have to keep in better touch. These are the "old guys" I really liked -- not to be a user, but I do feel like there's more possibility of future work with them as compared to the "kids" (they're all old guys or kids). On a side note, that's so hard for me! I want to meet people to get jobs, but I don't want me or them to feel like I'm just sucking up to get work. But I've always said this, and now I've actually sort of experienced it: if I didn't want to work with them, I would not be trying to get jobs from/with them. Not that I've worked with anyone I would avoid, but there are personalities I mesh with more than others, and people I could try harder to work with, but I just don't really care to really try for work with some of them. I know I need to get what I can get, but I want to avoid the jobs that will lead to burnout if possible (with people who cause undue stress, for example). And I LIKE the old dudes better -- they're way more fun and easy going (yet somehow 5x as productive), and they're cooler about teaching me stuff. And... I think old guys are more impressed with a female aspiring grip than the kids. Not that I'm in any way the novelty chick-grip -- if I couldn't figure shit out and pull my own weight, no one would be impressed.

Anyway, this dang video shoot keeps getting put off (it was Dec., then Jan., then this weekend, now it's some other weekend in Feb.), but I'm really looking forward to it. It'll also be my first green-screen experience! I don't know what to expect -- I don't imagine there's be a shit-ton of lighting. (Oh GOD, I'll do it if asked, but if I have to be craft services I will CRY) Oh, and NO idea who the band is :) The life of the peon -- sign on for anything willing to take you, who cares what it is. That's how I've had so much variety so far, though. And at least I get paid for this one (about 1/2-1/3 the going day rate, but considering that I'm still doing free shit and learning less, I'm fine with that for now).

So I'm mostly noting this for myself, because I'm going to need an official resume soon (and note to self -- MUST get social security card!):
Dec. 2005: Four Way (no buget short) -- PA (general)
Jan. 2006: Instant Beauty Pageant (cable reality TV) -- Talent PA
May 2006: TC Bridge..../Birthday Suits (music video) -- Grip PA
Aug.-Oct. 2006: Open (low-budget feature) -- PA, key PA, grip PA
Oct. 2006: A Small Adjustment (National Film Challenge short) -- PA
Oct. (Nove?) 2006: Bank Cherokee (TV commericial) -- Grip PA, PA

(I was borderline real actual grip on the Birthday Suits and Bank Cherokee jobs.)

Mind the gaps. I really need to fill in my time more. And quit my doorknob job. That goes without saying. If I don't get out of this job in 2007, I fear there will be no 2008. Repeat after me: QUIT THAT SHIT! QUIT THAT SHIT!

The diet/exercise program is going well. My bodybuilding coworker is helping me figure out what exercises to do and what to eat when. Until the contest ends, I'm 100% about losing pounds, so I'm sticking to mostly cardio (per me, of course he thinks I should lift heavy things). But after that, I'm going on a full weight training/fitness epic. Not to be a gross female body builder, just to really get in shape for the first time in my life. I'm getting totally into eating to support my health (less about how it tastes than what it does for me, plus things like eating a lot more fish -- hell of a lot more protein than I can get in veggies). I'm getting obsessed! It's not enough just to eat veggies, I want to get the right nutrients at the right time of day to fully absorb the vitamins and minerals and optimize my workouts! It's very exciting to change my whole outlook on food. That said, I'm going out tomorrow night and am nervous about what I'll eat. Italian place, so I'm hoping they'll at least have a salad -- I'll eat spinach without dressing if I have to. Of course, still the occasional drink -- red wine, martini. Not so many calories. And I refuse to give up all fun. (Speaking of filmmaking, that's going to SUCK -- nearly impossible to bring a bag lunch, and they do not necessarily feed you with health in mind. That's going to be tough.)

OK, so this is seriously an ashcan ranting. What am I talking about? Nothing...

I do not know who won the Superbowl

And I don't care.

Help meeeeeeee...

I canNOT figure out how to put pictures on this thing. I'd like to do so. So if you're reading this (AHEM, Goatmaiden) and can help me, please do so. I tried to Hello thing they recommend here on Bloggedy Bloggy Blog or whatever it's called, but it doesn't seem to work. Or I don't seem to work. As anyone who's actually reading this probably knows, I'm living in approximately 1994. Have a vague sense of how to surf the web and e-mail, but have much trouble actually figuring anything else out. Including, apparently, photo hosting. Gar! Me not schmartz.

As long as it ain't MySpace

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I thought it was high time I started a blog. I started a MySpace thingamajig and was very unimpressed (except that I was found by an old high school friend, so that was nice). I've had some setbacks (please don't forget the dash in my address or you'll get someone else's ashcan rantings. Sorry, folks, I know you were here first, but that's been my planned website name since approximately 2000 -- I daresay before the "blog" was even invented, per se -- so you'll have to excuse me), but I think I shall overcome.

So I don't know how much of an intro this really is. I'll have to figure out how to operate this baby, put more in the "about me" section, etc. The name of this lil' blog comes from Howl, by Allen Ginsberg. It's just always seemed to fit my style -- rantings, of course, if you know me, is what you'll probably mostly see. Ashcan sort of fits the eclectic variety of crap I tend to talk about, plus it's probably all rather throwaway. But if you want to dumpster dive, you might find something worthwhile. Mostly it saves me from feeling pretentious later with ashcan right in the title. Nowhere did I claim they were literary rantings! And it's a nod to some of my favorite writers, the Beats.

I just feel it necessary to immortalize the weather in my inaugural blog: it's FUCKING COLD OUT. Ok, that decides it -- I will not be giving my mother the link to this. Might as well get the pottymouth out there up front. It is, I believe, the coldest stretch in 11 years -- the temp isn't expected to go above 0, yes, zero degrees fahrenheit, for like 86 hours straight. Sweet! I'm sure in a few months I'll be bitching that it's 100 degrees out. Damn non-Minnesotans just don't get it. Insane weather extremes here. Love it. (Hate the extremes, love the fact that I feel so smug and tough compared to weenies the likes of which you find in San Diego and Honolulu. Even Massachusetts! All due respect to the weenies, by the way. You all know you are, though.) Anyway, I'm having some trouble typing becacuse it's 59 degrees in my apartment, and my fingers are slightly frozed. BRRRRS!

That's all for now, I think. Will write more when my fingers have limbered up a little. Or I have more to say. Off to my one-woman anti-superbowl party! (In which I watch DVD's and drink bloody marys.)